The Commencement Speech I'd Give...Except That No College Would Dare Let Me

Four years ago, I gave the commencement speech at Columbia College (MO.) No one has asked me to give one since. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I've spent a lot of the last decade calling a college education America's most overrated product.

So next best thing, here's the commencement speech I'd give if someone would dare let me.

Dear Graduates,

You've probably come here expecting a pat on the back for a job well done, encouragement that the world is your oyster, and an exhortation to follow your passion. But if I am to have integrity, I cannot give that speech.

What I'm about to say is not applicable to those of you who worked hard to learn enough of value in college to justify all that money and time. To you, I'll simply say congratulations on a job well done.

This speech is for the others among you who spent your parents' money doing a lot less, maybe even doing the least you could--honestly or less so--to get that piece of imitation sheepskin, spending less time on studying or even on useful extracurriculars like working for student government or the student newspaper than you did on playing videogames, watching steroided Neanderthals throw a ball and each other around, and, ahem, hooking up. 

You in the bonk-bottle-and-bong crowd have been singing "la la la la la la la" to drown out the warnings that you're at risk of joining the 54% of college graduates under 25 who are unemployed or doing work you could have done even if your parents hadn't spent a crazy amount of money for you to extend your childhood in that four-to-six-year summer camp they call college. And lest you think I'm the only one saying that, check out Message to the 2013 Graduates in this recent Wall Street Journal op-ed. 

Perhaps it's not surprising to hear, but unless you change your attitude toward time and how you spend it big-time, you'll have a helluva time supporting yourself because, unlike colleges that inflate grades and take your money and then come back at you for yet more money in donations, employers won't be eager to pay you thousands of dollars every month plus benefits to continue your summer-camp ways. They'll want you to grow up. 

They'll be additional dubious about many of you because you may, overtly or covertly, show your disdain of business, of profit--That, you learned well in college. 

And employers won't exactly be orgasmic over your weak writing and critical thinking skills. Colleges may not have had time to teach you those because they were too busy radicalizing you and teaching you the esoterica that only ivory tower professors could care about. And lest that self-esteem program made you too confident that you were the exception, that you did improve your writing and critical thinking skills significantly, you may well be wrong. The definitive nationwide study, Academically Adrift, published by University of Chicago Press, found that 36% of college graduates grew not at all in critical thinking and writing. I'll repeat that again because it's so shocking and so important: The definitive nationwide study, Academically Adrift, published by University of Chicago Press, found that 36% of college graduates grew not at all in critical thinking and writing. Follow-up reports have been even more frightening.

Only two things can save you:

1. Append yourself to the smartest, most successful, most ethical human being you can dig up. It will be worth even a lot of effort to hook up with that person. You want to be closer than a Siamese twin. Get his coffee, do her laundry, do nearly anything in exchange for being at a master's elbow so you can learn something of value that could turn you into a person who can contribute to the world you claim to care so much about. You will likely learn far more of value about how to succeed in business or in the nonprofit world than from those ideologically truncated, arcana-focused, practicality-light professors. You'll also learn how to deal professionally with people, including resolving conflicts more challenging than who gets to hold the video controller. And most important, you'll get to see a real work-ethic. Most people who are not limited to barista-level work prioritize being as productive as possible over the vaunted work-life balance, even if it means they never get to watch Arrested Development, learn more yoga poses, or hike into environmental blitzedness. 

2. Please, take the time to become expert at something. Dabbling is risky. Yes, if you're a polymath, brilliant at many things, you may achieve loftily in multiple areas. But most dabblers risk becoming unable to maintain an income that's--to use your word--sustainable. Pick something--It can even be that recycling of algae into sustainably harvested, biodegradable soy-ink paper that your professor has milked into four articles in the Journal of Esoterica. But laser-focus on getting to be an expert at something. As Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers found, you have to stay with something for 10 to 20,000 hours to get good enough at it. 

Don't think I'm just pontificating, unwilling to walk the talk. I've stayed with being a career counselor for 29 years and even now after 4,500 clients, I still spend considerable time at night and on weekends reading how to get better. I believe that is time well spent, key to being successful and to a life of integrity. I ask you to consider doing not only what I, but the hundreds of experts Malcolm Gladwell researched, say you must do to develop real expertise. 

I am not, however, telling you to run back to school---You already saw how much good that did for your four to six years and mountain of money. What I'm saying is to keep working to become an expert in your chosen area, reading, attending workshops, volunteering, maybe even getting paid, ideally at the elbow of the aforementioned mentor. But I do ask you to consider stopping the dabbling.

Okay, enough. Most people don't remember anything from their commencement speech so I might as well stop here. I certainly do wish you all the best.