I Try to Be Amused By it All....but

A Word With Marty: "NICE"

The Upstart 83-Year-Old: a short-short story

Searching: a short-short story

Can An Honest Candidate Win? A short-short story

A Campaign Meeting (Una reunión de campaña)

Protest or Riot? A short-short story

Senator Cruz: a short-short story

Venus, Iris, and Mayor Boggle: Another children's story (but not really)

Here is a sequel to the children's picture book, Venus and Iris, the text of which I posted previously.

I read it aloud here and provide the text below. Even as an adult, I enjoy being read to and thought you might too.

Venus, Iris, and Mayor Boggle

by Marty Nemko

 (to be illustrated)

Last we saw Venus, he had saved Iris's life by eating the beetles that were destroying her. Venus ate the beetles even though he knew that eating them would kill him. Fortunately, Iris then saved Venus's life by getting him to cough up the beetles.

So Venus and Iris were heroes to everyone in Bogville. Indeed, some Boggies painted a mural of Venus and Iris in Bogville's town square.

Venus and Iris were heroes to everyone that is, except Mayor Boggle. He was jealous that they were now more famous than he.

So he told Venus and Iris, "FarAwayBog School needs teachers. You both would be great. You're heroes. You can teach there!"

"Thank you, Mayor Boggle, that's so nice of you," said Venus.

Really, it wasn't nice of the mayor. He just wanted them far away from town so the Boggies would forget about them.

While Venus and Iris were gone, Mayor Boggle, to make himself more famous, made big promises to the Boggies he couldn't keep: "If you re-elect me, I'll get rid of all the mosquitoes in the bog."

Venus and Iris worked hard teaching--and you know that teaching is not easy. (picture of Boggie students fooling around.)

And when the school year ended, Venus and Iris returned to town and saw that the big mural of them had been replaced by an even bigger mural with Mayor Boggle's face and "End Mosquitoes. Re-Elect Boggle."

Still, many of the Boggies had not forgotten about Venus and Iris. Indeed they were glad to see their heroes. That made Mayor Boggle mad. So, using his sweetest voice, the mayor said, "You did a great job as teachers. So, as a reward, I'll give you a carrot farm: the land, the seeds, and even a Boggie to help you."

"Oh thank you, Mayor Boggle!" replied Iris.

Of course, the farm was even further from town than the school was. And the land was so hard that carrots, which even in good soil take a verrry long time to grow, would take forever. And to make sure the farm failed, the Boggie that Mayor Boggle sent was Bogwump, who no one wanted to hire because he was lazy and steals.

Venus and Iris tried and tried to grow carrots--without much help from Bogwump. After a year, only three carrots came up and Bogwump ate all three.

Venus and Iris returned to town. Now "End Mosquitoes, Re-Elect Boggle" posters were pasted all over town.

Venus and Iris went to Mayor Boggle's house and apologized  for not producing any carrots, and he replied, "Don't worry. I'll give you another chance. Go five miles east to SandyBog. There are water lilies there. Just  bring them back and give them to the Boggies. It will make them happy. I'll pay you a lot of money."

But in the next room, Mrs Boggle overheard and raced in. "Mr. Boggle, you know very well that SandyBog is filled with deadly snakes. How could you send Venus and Iris there?!"

And Venus and Iris finally realized that Mayor Boggle was not their friend.

So Venus and Iris returned to where they first met, the quiet bog just outside of town, where lots of flytraps and an occasional iris lived a simple but happy life.

Oh, and Venus and Iris had a baby: a beautiful iris that just happened to have a few traps.

Meanwhile, while admiring a poster of himself, a swarm of mosquitoes bit Mayor Boggle. He itched and he itched for a whole week! Do you feel bad for him?

Do you know a kid like Mayor Boggle who's mean to someone they're jealous of? What should you do about it?

America the Tootiful: We brag even when we're not very good

Here's an advance look at my next The Life Well-Led column in the Mensa publication, The Intelligencer.

America the Tootiful

America loves to toot its own horn, even when we're not very good. For example, after the Boston Bombing, President Obama crowed about how great America is:

The terrorists failed because, as Americans, we refused to be terrorized...That American spirit includes staying true to the unity and diversity that makes us strong -- like no other nation in the world.

Huh?! The terrorists didn't fail: Despite America having spent billions on anti-terrorism, the terrorists accomplished just what they wanted: They disrupted that iconic American sporting event The Boston Marathon, killing three, wounding hundreds, and spawning a manhunt and aftermath that has already cost all of us billions of dollars. And did we truly react "like no other nation in the world?" Does Obama really believe that not one of the world's 196 nations could even match our unsuccessful effort?

Our undeserved horn-tooting descends from there. Examples:

In the most recent presidential election, both candidates fell over themselves to genuflect before the altar of American exceptionalism despite, for example, the U.S.'s child poverty rate ranking 34th among the most advanced 35 countries, edging out only Romania. But don't worry, we rank #2 in beer consumption. Politico reported, "The President took American exceptionalism to a whole new level Wednesday by suggesting that not only is the United States the greatest nation on Earth, but every other country wants to be us." But even that pales in comparison with Romney's view, which the Huffington Post summarized as, "God chose the U.S. above all the nations of the Earth to bring light, hope, and freedom to all humankind."

Of course, politicians far from monopolize the gasconade.

According to a panel of experts convened at Columbia College (IL), Michael Jackson is widely referred to as a genius. Michael Jackson, a consensus genius??! 

As a career counselor, I can attest that the amount of puffery in job seekers' resumes, cover letters, and interviews could fill a dirigible: "I'm uniquely qualified for the job. I'm a self-starter yet also a team player who delights in exceeding customer expectations, and I spearheaded initiatives that saved the company $10 million." If you added up all the savings job seekers claimed, it would exceed the Gross Domestic Product.

Of course, product marketers know absolutely no bounds. For example, Here's how Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice has been promoted: "This 'antioxidant superpower' is straight-up 'health in a bottle' that’ll help you cheat death with beneficial effects on everything from prostate cancer to cardiovascular health to impotence." In fact, Time reported, "The FTC says there is no science to back up the claims. The results of studies that have been done show that Pom products show no more efficacy than a placebo."

"Wonderful" is downright modest compared with, for example, a kitchen cleaner named Fantastik! not to mention  the makeup, Super Orgasm.

Even the world of theatre, where stage plays relentlessly assault capitalism, can't resist its unwarranted horn-tooting when it comes to lining their pockets. For example, Berkeley's very non-proletarian-priced Aurora Theatre's current play is The Arsonists. Its promo: "See what everyone's talking about!" I live heavily in the Bay Area theatre scene. Not one person has mentioned The Arsonists.

A decade ago, the company that made the two-wheel Segway promised it would revolutionize travel. When was the last time you saw a Segway? Perhaps the revolution was impeded because its CEO James Heselden died when his Segway accidentally rolled off a cliff.

From whence stems America's bloviation? One likely suspect is America's obsession with building people's self-esteem. We praise them or certainly don't criticize them for bragging about attributes they've acquired without effort: "Black is Beautiful," I'm Italian and I'm Proud," Girls Rock." Such phrases are no mere sideshows: A Google search on "Girls rock" revealed 3.4 million hits (and only 0.9 million for "Boys Rock" but I'll leave the reasons for the disparity for another column.) Ironically, studies find that Asians have the lowest average self-esteem and the highest achievement while Blacks have the highest self-esteem and the lowest achievement. That makes sense: If you think you're already wonderful, you're less likely to feel the need to work hard.

Sure, when it's exigent, we may feign modesty. After all, humility is core to America's New Testament roots: "I accept this honor not just on behalf of myself but of my colleagues, friends, and family without whom this wouldn't be possible. It truly was a team effort." Not withstanding such calculated understatement, we are America the Tootiful.

I cannot claim that every word that has emerged from my lips or fingers rises to sainthood but I write this column in hopes it might encourage all of us to pull on ropes of restraint and become a little less tootiful. It is key to the life well-led.