Should You Try to Change Someone?

We all get frustrated with people and thus are tempted to try to change them.

Unfortunately, the odds are poor of being successful in doing so. Much of who we are is hard-wired or the result of early experiences.

Even shrinks, spending years with patients, have a hard time fundamentally changing them. Patients are usually satisfied with tweaks around the edges and learning to accept their basic selves for who they are.

If therapists, highly trained at that sort of thing, find it difficult to fundamentally change people, is it not hubristic of us as bosses, co-workers, romantic partners, and friends to think we can?

I am reminded of a study that looked at 92 couples on the brink of divorce. They were assigned at random to one of two types of relationship counseling. One group's therapists tried to get the people to change. The other group's therapists tried to get them to accept each other as they are. Six months later, most of the couples in the "change each other" group had filed for divorce. Most of those in the "accept each other" group chose to stay together.

So next time, you think about trying to change someone, think twice. Examples: 

If you're a boss with a supervisee that frustrates you, after a brief attempt to try to improve them, you may be wise to get them transferred or to let them go, offering to help them find a better-suited position. 

Try to focus on your romantic partner's good qualities and accept that their bad ones are unlikely to fundamentally change in the near future. If that's not acceptable to you, after a brief attempt at remediating the person (and yourself?) it may be wise to cut your losses. 

By the way, that's one of the many hidden liabilities of having children: you can't cut and run. 

The Job Search Made Simple

My post today on AOL: the job-search simplified. I reduce it to the chart above. (Click on it to enlarge it.)

The post describes the four ways to land a job and offers advice on how to pick the ones that will most likely work for you.

Choosing a College: 7 questions to ask before picking

It's the moment of truth: You or your child has been admitted to more than one college and now needs to pick one.

You'll make a wiser choice if you ask each finalist college's admissions representative these seven questions. These are the sorts of questions that insiders ask when choosing a college for their kids or for themselves.

If you're worried that asking seven may be too probing, just ask the few you most care about.

May I see the results of the most recent student or alumni satisfaction survey? Most colleges conduct student or alumni satisfaction surveys. Seeing the results will show you how a large sample of a college's students or graduates rate their experience in and outside the classroom, including employability. If an institution doesn't post it on its website, refuses to email it to you, or says it hasn't conducted a student or alumni satisfaction survey, that's instructive in itself.

What are the statistics on campus crime? The Clery Act requires all institutions to collect crime prevalence data on and surrounding campus. 

May I see the executive summary of the accreditation visiting team report and Association Action? Nearly all colleges periodically undergo an accreditation process. That culminates in a visiting team's report on the institution's strengths and weaknesses and an Association Action. The latter states the number of years before the institution must undergo its next review. It it's much sooner than ten years, it may be cause for concern. The visiting team report will explain the reasons for a short term of accreditation.

Given my academic record and my family's income and assets, how much cash and how much loan will I be likely have to pay in the first four years, and if it takes me longer to graduate, in years 5 or 6?  On many if not most colleges' websites, it's difficult to find even the one-year cost-of attendance, even unadjusted for student record, and family income and assets. Your cost of attendance depends heavily on those. Complicating matters more, at some colleges, your bill may rise significantly after the first year, with an especially big increase if you don't graduate in four years. And lest you be too sure you'll graduate in four years, know that nationwide, less than 37 percent of freshmen at so-called four-year colleges graduate in four years. Only 58 percent graduate in six years!

How much do students with high school grades and SAT score like mine grow in critical thinking, writing, etc? That's important even if you or your child is attending college mainly to get a better job. Why? Because the better you write and think, the more likely you are to succeed in nearly any career.

Many if not most colleges test at least a sample of its incoming and graduating students on such skills as writing and critical thinking but few colleges make the results public. That's understandable because, as reported in a major national study, Academically Adrift, a shocking 36  percent of students nationwide "did not demonstrate any significant improvement in learning" between freshman and senior year.

Colleges vary in effectiveness, so you want to find out how your candidate colleges measure up. If a college doesn't post this information on its website, refuses to tell you, or says it doesn't measure student growth, that's instructive in itself. 

What is your four- and six-year graduation rate for students with grades and test scores like mine? The graduation rate varies greatly across institutions and on the student's high school record. Comparing your finalist colleges' graduation rates will be instructive but don't give that undue weight in choosing a college. That's because an institution can jigger a high graduation rate by lowering standards. For example, at one institution, administrators meet with faculty members who give a failing grade to an above-average percentage of students. Rather than praising those professors for their high standards, the message subtly is "lower your standards."

What percent of graduates are professionally employed within one year of graduation, broken down by major? What percent are in graduate school? The institution's alumni survey usually contains such information. 

Asking even some of these questions will increase your chances of picking an institution at which you'll be happy, successful, and feel was worth your money and years.

Job Interview Hail Marys

Let's say there's good news and bad news. The good news is that you've landed a job interview. The bad news is that you suspect you're a longshot candidate.

My USNews.com post today is Interview Hail Marys: high-risk/high-payoff interview strategies.

Job Search Shortcuts

The process of looking for a job can be daunting. Sometimes there are shortcuts. My AOL post today offers shortcuts.

The College Report Card--picked as one of "100 Great Ideas for Higher Education"

I am honored that the National Association of Scholars chose to include, in its 100 Great Ideas for Higher Education, my proposal that all colleges be required to, on its homepage, post a substantive report card on itself, what I call the College Report Card.

It is far more more helpful than, for example, the College Scorecard President Obama announced in his State of the Union address.

I describe the College Report Card in the  Washington Post, and in The Atlantic, the latter which was republished on Stanford's blog on higher education reform.

Not only would a College Report Card enable prospective students to more wisely and easily select a college, that transparency would exert real pressure on colleges to finally treat students as the treasure they are rather than a mere "cost center."

Today, 'four-year" colleges behave as irresponsibly as the researchers who ran the The Tuskegee Experiments. Every year, colleges recruit hundreds of thousands of weak students without disclosing to them that 3/4 such students don''t graduate even if given 8 years, meanwhile having accrued a fortune in debt, little learning, a non-stop assault to their self-esteem, no more employability than they could have had straight out of high school and, critically, the opportunity cost: They could have likely learned far more and become far more employable had they pursued an apprenticeship, the millitary, working at the elbow of an entrepreneur, or taken a short career-prep program at a community college.

It is time to stop giving higher education a free pass. We require every tire, every packaged food, every drug, to provide substantive consumer information. We should require no less of colleges.

Jobseeker Hail Marys: Longshot resume tactics

If you're a longshot candidate for a job, it may be worth trying risky strategies.

Today, I start a series for U.S. News called Jobseeker Hail Marys. The first, which also has been published on Yahoo! is Resume Hail Marys.