Getting Dumped: Preventing and coping with losing your job or romantic partner

Losing your job or romantic partner is, of course, painful. My Psychology Today article today offers thoughts on how to prevent and to cope with such a loss.

"I Want to Work in the Non-Profit Sector?"

A caller to my radio program had only for-profit experience and wants to move into the nonprofit sector. Worse, she's been out of the paid workforce for years. 

As my PsychologyToday.com contribution today, I post the edited transcript of our exchange.

KGO's Ronn Owens Probes Marty Nemko...And You Can Call in For Free Career Advice

For the past 25 years, every three months, I do an hour guest spot on KGO Radio's iconic Ronn Owens Program. (He's pictured above.)

My next appearance is this Thursday, Feb. 2 from 10:00 am to 11 am, Pacific time.

The talk show industry's publication of record, Talkers, named Ronn Owens one of the 25 greatest talk show hosts of all time.

I'll be trying to answer Ronn's questions about under-the-radar careers, where the jobs are, and how to land them in this tough job market. Plus you can call in to the show and I'll try to help you with your career problem.

Throughout most of the West Coast, you can hear it on 810 on your AM dial, and of course, worldwide on the Internet at kgoam810.com. The show will be archived for a week on THIS page of KGO's website.

How to Make the Most of a Job Lead

You're meeting someone who might help you find a job: a person you know or a cold-contact you're hoping will create a job or project for you, or suggest someone who might help you land a job.

Of course, every situation is different but this template can help you get the most of such meetings:

Phone or skype meetings are okay but in-person, if feasible, may be worth the effort.

Mirror the person. Dress as s/he does. Begin the meeting with the amount and type of small-talk that works best for them. Your utterances should be at their speed, average length, intensity, intellectual level and emotional level.

When it's time to get down to business, ask whether s/he prefers you ask questions to identify if and how you might be helpful to them, or whether she/d prefer you describe how you present yourself to the job market and show your resume so s/he can provide feedback. Respond accordingly. If the person offers a suggestion, try if possible, to simply say thank you and not argue.

At the moment it feels right, ask if s/he knows someone you should talk with, something you should read, a meeting, conference or other event you should attend. When they offer one, ask, "Great. By any chance, do you have another idea?"

End by asking, "Would you mind keeping your ears open for me and if, in a month, I'm still looking, I follow up with you?" The person will usually say yes, which means you've recruited a scout, someone who'll keep the antennae out for you. The person is likely to have more leads for you during the month than what s/he has at the moment you're asking .

After the interview, write, not a thank-you note, but an influencing letter. After the obligatory "Thanks for meeting with me," that letter should include as many of these as is appropriate:

• Say you appreciate that he was impressed with (insert the thing he was most impressed with about you.)
• If you flubbed something in the meeting, write, "I've given further thought to your question about X. (insert improved answer.)
• If you've identified a way in which you might be of help to the person---a project you could do, or even a full-time job--append a half-to-one-page proposal.
• Thank the person for offering to keep her ears open and willingness to take your call if, in a month, you're still looking.

After the meeting it's often a good idea to send a personalized small thank-you gift. For example, if he mentioned that he's about to buy a new car--I'd buy him a book on the art of buying a new car. I usually buy such presents from convenient Amazon.

That approach should generate benefit in excess of the time you spend obtaining and attending such meetings. If your meetings routinely yield little benefit, you're probably talking too much, listening too poorly, not showing interest in them, and/or shooting for a too low-probability job target.

Your Network Won't Help? Another Way to Land a Job...(Often) Fast

It's been said ad nauseam that your network is the best source of a job. That's true but most people who are seeking career advice have already exhausted their network.

For them, the most potent way to land most jobs may be to cold contact target employers, whether or not they're advertising a job. That's true, if you do it right.

First, to motivate you to cold-contact, which many people find anathema, consider this:

A job opening is born when the employer has a need but isn't aware of it. If you cold call or walk in at that point, the boss may be tempted to hire you, at least on a project basis, so he doesn't need to undertake the time-consuming standard employee selection process.

The next stage in a job opening's lifespan is when the boss is aware s/he needs to hire someone but has, at most, let insiders know. Call or walk in at that point and you're still competing only with a small number of applicants.

Here's the punchline: Usually a job opening reaches the next stage in its lifespan--it's publicly advertised--when it requires unusual skills, no one who knows the boss wants to work with him, or it's wired for someone but HR requires the job to be advertised. In other words, when you're answering a want ad, you're more likely to be competing with the most applicants for the worst jobs.

That's why cold contact to employers whether or not they're advertising a job, is so potent--if done well. The method of cold-contact I recommend is Phone-Email-Phone-Phone.

1. Make a list of 50 target employers, who are not necessarily advertising an appropriate job opening. Why as many as 50? Because the odds of any one needing you is small. It is a numbers game.

2. Phone each after-hours, leaving this voice mail such as:

This is Jane Blow. I was a project manager at Ace Corp. and got solid evaluations but the job ended so I'm looking for work. I chose to call you because (insert a reason such as why you like the company, its geographic location, whatever.) I'll be emailing you my resume (or if your resume would not impress that employer, a letter of introduction, highlighting what would most impress her.) If you think I might be of help to you or simply want to offer me some advice, I'd welcome hearing from you. My phone number is: repeat it twice.

3. Email your resume and a brief cover letter that reiterates the above.

4. Phone back a week later if you haven't heard from that employer, leaving voice mail if necessary. For example:

This is Joe Blow the project manager from Ace Corp looking for his next job. Not having heard from you, I assume you're not interested, but I know how things can fall between the cracks so I'm taking the liberty of calling to follow up. If you think it's worth our talking to see if and how I might be of help to you or simply to offer some advice as to where I might turn, I'd be pleased to talk with you. My phone number is: repeat it twice.

5. Phone a week after that if you haven't heard from that employer. Say something like:

This is Jane Blow. I was hesitant to make this call because I certainly don't want to be a pest but I hope that perhaps you might even appreciate my being a persistent sort. If you'd like to talk to see if and how I might be of help to you, I'd welcome hearing from you. If not, I promise I won't bother you again! Here's my phone number: repeat it twice.

No job search method guarantees employment but my clients that have exhausted their network have found the 50 phone-email-phone-phone approach to be a potent and often fast way to land a job.

Lessons from a Career Counseling Session

I just finished a session with a career counseling client, I'll call him Rick. The session embedded a number of principles that might help you in finding a career or landing a job.

Rick is a project manager for a defense contractor. He knows he wants to change employers but is unsure whether he just wants to go to a competitor or make a radical change.

I said, "Okay. Assume you weren't saddled with the ball-and-chain of having to choose something related to your past job and 'transferable skills'. What would you do?"

He replied, "I want to create something." Knowing him, I asked, "Wouldn't you be better off directing the realization of someone else's idea?" He agreed, but he protested, "Don't I have to be more specific than "I want to direct the realization of someone's idea?"

I replied, "It depends on whether the nature of the project matters much to you. If you'd be as happy turning around a struggling plate glass business as creating a beautiful backyard, don't narrow yourself. To do that would be to impose false precision on your job target."

Again he objected: "You're right. It doesn't matter much to me what the project is, but without a focus, no one will hire me." I responded, "You're right--if you try to get hired by answering want ads--That ad, for example on Monster or Craiglist, will be read by countless people, from Azerbaijan to Zambia. So the employer will likely be able to find someone with direct experience."

I continued, "Here's how career changers are most likely to land a job: Make a list of 100 people who know you. They don't even have to love you. Let's take the worst case: a boss who fired you. He might be willing to give you a lead on a better-suited job. And that's the worst case. Chances are that if your list includes your relatives, your parent's and wife's relatives, your friends, your wife's and parents' friends, your past and present coworkers, bosses, customers, and vendors, your haircutter, accountant, lawyer, doctor, church members, co-volunteers, etc., you'll likely get leads to people willing to consider you for a project manager job outside of defense or refer you to someone who might. And you might hear about career areas you never would have thought of in a million years. Last week, I got a call from a client who got a job at a toy company monitoring plush stuffed-animal factories in China."

I ended by saying, "Just tell as many people as possible who know you or someone close to you, "I'm a successful project manager for a Fortune-500 defense contractor but would love to direct projects in a different field. Anyone you think I should talk with?"

We ended the session by discussing how to write a resume, which, as I mentioned, will be useful mainly in applying for positions similar to his current one. I said, "Imagine you're having a beer with your brother who happens to be hiring project managers in the defense industry. What would you say to him that would legitimately impress him, make him think, "Damn, this guy is good," make him want to hire you? That's what you want to put in your resume."

Any questions? Comments?