In Search of Peace of Mind: A fictional short-short story

Finding Peace of Mind

This is the third installment in a Psychology Today series, The Quests: The first was on finding a good job. The second was on finding and deepening a relationship.

Today, I turn to the quest for peace of mind.

My Search for Peace of Mind

Some people naturally have peace of mind. Without effort, they walk the earth with a sense of contentment. 

I don’t. My parents said I cried a lot as a newborn, was a colicky baby, in school was ever worried I was a bad boy or not smart enough, and from my earliest memory, feared death and dying. At age 10, I'd lie in bed calculating the percentage of my life I probably had left---in terror, unable to sleep.

So, clearly I've been motivated to try to find more peace of mind. And if you are not naturally blissful, perhaps the report on my attempts may be of use to you. It's my PsychologyToday.com article today.

A New Approach to Anger Management

When I was young, I was a hothead. Some of that is physiological--I can go from zero to 60 in two seconds. And some of it is cultural--I'm a New York Jew, a culture that is more accepting of  displays of anger.

A few years ago, I finally realized that most successful people are relatively calm. Both President Obama and candidate Romney are examples. So are Bill and Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell, Dick Lugar, and John Kerry. I saw the 2004 presidential front-runner Howard Dean kill his chances with one whoop, a mere moment of irrational exuberance. 

But what I think what most convinced me to change was watching C-SPAN. It's a parade of America's most influential people: not just political leaders but CEOs and eminent experts. Even when discussing terrorism, their demeanor usually remains moderate.

I looked back on times I displayed anger and never was I glad I did. Sure, positive passion, a measure of enthusiasm, is great. But showing anger is a no-no. (So much for America being a tolerant society.) 

For example, I had written the cover story for a major magazine and eagerly bought a copy to see what it looked like in print. To my horror, the second paragraph had been omitted in error. I was furious. All I could think was that many people would stop reading it after the first two paragraphs because that second one was a non-sequitur. I grabbed the phone and laid into the editor. Of course, all I accomplished was to reduce my chance of ever writing for that magazine again. In retrospect, I doubt if anyone was hurt because the paragraph was deleted.

I've become aware that, alas, few things matter that much in the larger scheme. Billions of us are trying to change the world or at least our sphere of influence, and even when you do everything right, it's hard to see real change. So yes, it's worth trying hard. Without working diligently toward goals, life has too little meaning. But being too invested in the outcome may be a fool's game. I do think the Buddhists have it right: Be in the moment and focus on your current task, but after it's done, let go of the outcome. That is beyond your control.

I've also used this approach to anger management: If I start to feel angry at someone, I force myself to leave the room, take deep breaths, remind myself to have perspective, and only then return. When I'm angry at something I see in writing, I draft a response but delay sending it until the next morning when I can view it with fresh eyes.

Mainly, I just try to remember that the most successful, influential people stay calm except for demonstrating an only moderate amount of enthusiasm. I also work at staying in the sweet spot of trying hard but letting go of the outcome.

I can't always make myself retain Obama-like equanimity but I'm getting better. I'm hoping at least some of my approach to anger management will do the same for some of you. 

A Fun and Helpful Exercise: List What You're Grateful For

To get you started, here's what I'm grateful for (In no order--I'm just writing these as they come to me. You feel free to do the same.)
Google
My sweet dog, Einstein
This blog
Email
Television
That I got my taxes done. (PLEASE create a tax return we can complete in 15 minutes.)
The privilege of being in my 19th year hosting a radio show in a major city.
The privilege to have written many articles, including cover stories, for U.S. News & World Report.
Movies on DVD
Israel
Easy-to-make clam sauce
That I can still run (well, jog) 3 miles
C-SPAN
Music CDs
Plays that make me laugh and especially cry.
The art on my walls, even though most are just prints.
My co-coach and intellectual of great integrity, Michael Edelstein
Bougainvillea James Walker
Quaker oatmeal to which I add Trader Joe's walnut pieces and maple syrup
That I can play the piano well, without effort
My wife's acting ability, her having been selected her region's School Superintendent of the Year, her equanimity, and looks.
My quiet bedroom
That I can browse shopping malls, which I consider museums where you can buy all the stuff--yet don't have to buy a thing.
BrushPicks
Chrysanthemum Fruiticosum, Snowland
Driving
Cell Phones
Refrigerators
My Uggs slippers
When I can restrain myself from consuming too many calories (too rarely.)