One of America's leading independent book publishers, Workman, has published a book called Boys are Stupid. Throw Rocks at Them.Five of its eight chapters are aimed at children, three, on dating, at teens.
The book has spawned a line of tee shirts, bumper stickers, posters, coffee mugs, key chain, calendars, even a board game, all of which are available on Amazon and at other retailers. There's even a Yelp listing called, "Boys are Stupid. Throw Rocks at Them!!! Throwing More Rocks Every Day."
The author defended the book as being just for fun. Yet if the book made fun of girls, let alone of Blacks, would that book have been published by a major publisher, let alone spawned a panoply of products produced by other companies, let alone not excoriated by the media? A Google search reveals not one negative reviews of the book or outcry against the swag by any major media entity.
Indeed, MSNBC's liberal Dylan Ratigan opened his interview with the author of Boys are Stupid; Throw Rocks at Them and an opponent by asking, "What's the issue? They're having a good time, here." Ratigan closed the interview by telling the author, "Congratulations on the success of your business."
Earlier today, I had posted the entire text but I realize that might violate copyright law so I've deleted all but three chapters and include none of the copious illustrations. You'll nonetheless get a sense of the book.
Chapter 6: Boyfriends are Stupid
If you absolutely have to have a boyfriend, don't panic. Your life isn't completely over.
Why waste money on a cab? There's always public transportation. (Adjacent is a photo of a girl sitting on a boy's head, dangling a piece of pizza ahead of him so he keeps moving forward.)
What not to expect from a boy on a date: 1. hold your door open. 2. pay for dinner. 3. eat with utensils. 4. not farting or belching the entire time. 5. kiss you goodnight--this is a good thing--trust me! 6. call you again.
Phone rules: Do not wait by the phone for him to call. Most likely he doesn't even know how to use a phone.
Be afraid if your boyfriend: a. has more shoes than you, b: has bathroom products more expensive than yours, c: is on a fad diet, d: knows what kind of jeans you're wearing. And be super-duper afraid if you catch him wearing your panties.
Boy decoder: "It's not you it's me. I love you but I'm not in love with you. You deserve better. I need some space. I don't wanna ruin our friendship." They all mean the same thing but I'm too chicken to tell you:" I don't like you any more and I want to date your friend with big boobs."
What kind of girlfriend are you? Take this quiz: Let's say your boyfriend tried to kiss your best friend. Would you: a) blame yourself. b) make him cry. c) kiss his best friend. If you answered "a", close this book and hit yourself in the head with it.
Chapter 7: Break-Up Fun
The best way to break up with a boy is to pretend you don't know him.
Sometimes a boy won't accept that it's over. Be more direct: throw a rock. (Adjacent is a picture of him unconscious, frothing, with three rocks next to him.)
Maybe he says, "Don't leave me or I'll die." That's when a girl must do the meanest, cruelest, most awful things a girl can do. Make him someone else's problem: 1. Find a really dumb blond girl. 2. Introduce her to your boyfriend. 3. Run away.
Chapter 8: Training a Boyfriend
If for some stupid reason, you decide to keep a boyfriend, it's your job to train him.
Etiquette: a fork is to be used for eating food. Hint: Boys, the pointy pronglike utensil on the left side of the plate is a fork. (The left side is that-a-way<--)
A fork is not to be used for: 1. stabbing bugs. 2. sword-fighting with other stupid boys. 3. sticking up nose for booger excavation. 4. scratching butts.
Just a friendly reminder: boys aren't housebroken. Don't let them sit on your couch unless the plastic cover is on!
Boys can't accessorize: "Like that bag was so last year!"
Always check a boy before he leaves the house: 1. Make sure he zips his fly. 2 make sure his socks match. 3. Make sure he has on clean underwear. 4. Make sure his shoes are on the correct feet. 5. Make sure he's wearing pants!
And make sure under no circumstances whatsoever that a boy does laundry.
A boyfriend is not allows to spit, fart in the car, belch in front of your parents, follow you into the bathroom, make you pull his finger, put you in a headlock, put empty containers back in the fridge, dress himself, cut his own hair, give you a nickname, watch more than four hours of football in a day, and last but not least, act like he knows you in public!
Major rule: When you're telling him a problem, a boyfriend is not allowed to interrupt and tell you his opinion before you have even told him what the problem is! New Rule Rule: New rules may be invented on the spot and be retroactive.
And if he breaks the rules, just remember that for every stupid, smelly, cootie-ridden boy, there is a rock.
