How I Counsel Unhappy Couples

Typically, they come at the brink of breaking up.

I usually start by saying, "If there's any chance of fixing your relationship, we need to nibble away at it a piece at a time. Each of you, what's one specific annoying thing your partner does?"

For each annoyance, I ask, "Is that something you just have to accept about your partner, or is that something that could realistically be expected to improve?"

If the latter, we discuss ways to maximize the likelihood of that change occurring and end with a commitment on both parties' part. For example, one partner might say, "I promise to try to pick my stuff off the floor" and the other partner might say, "And I agree that when something isn't picked up, not to nag but simply to raise my index finger as a reminder, and if he doesn't do it, to let it go--it's just not that important."

I also often say, "It's easier to change yourself than to change someone else. So, each of you, what's one other thing you want to do differently in the coming week that would please your partner and thus make your relationship better?"

Also, I remind them that when arguments occur, to force yourselves to discuss fairly: 

• Start with a positive.
  
• Criticize the behavior, not the person.
• Listen well.
• Don't interrupt.
• Ask questions to better understand the situation or in proposing a solution.
• Don't expand the argument beyond the specific incident.
  
• Break up the tension with a joke, a compliment, a diversion (for example, where should we go to dinner?)  or simply a five-minute break.

At the end of the session, I ask each of them to summarize what if any behavior changes they want to commit to in the coming week. We all write those down and I promise to ask about those at the next session.

I invite them to, during the week, have at least one meeting (perhaps even daily)  in which each person self-assesses how well they're doing on their commitment. 

Finally, I remind them that little wins reverse the relationship to a positive direction, and it begins to snowball--good begets good.

Candidly, I have used this approach in my own marriage, to significant benefit. Our marriage is not made in heaven but we've learned how to make it work here on earth. I wish the same for you.  

Men, the Disposable Sex

Most people say they want to be fair...and yet:

Men die 5.2 years younger than women, spend their last decade in worse health, and die earlier of all the leading causes of death. For example, before age 65, twice as many men as women die of heart disease--100,000 more male human beings dead, early, every year. That's thirty times more men than have died, total, in the Iraq War!

Yet, where are the ribbons for early heart attack? The only campaigns I've seen are the American Heart Association's Wear Red campaign to increase awareness of heart disease in women and the Oakland A's initiative on women's heart disease.

And for years, we certainly see ever more pink ribbons against breast cancer. For example, today, I walked into Safeway whereupon I was immediately enveloped in breast cancer activism: (Click on these images to get a better feel for how it dominated the store)

• I entered the store under a canopy of pink breast cancer signs.
• Underneath the canopy, a giant sign touts that Safeway and General Foods are sponsoring this breast cancer initiative.
• Underneath are free-standing displays of Kraft and Nabisco products, most of which have been repackaged to look like pink breast cancer signs, with a notice saying that part of the profits from the sale of those items will go to breast cancer.
• Nearby hangs another prominent sign listing other corporations that are sponsoring breast cancer initiatives.
• Next to that is a table offering free drinks to all who donate, and selling breast cancer shopping bags.
  
  
  
• Throughout the store, countless products have been repackaged to look like breast cancer posters, with signs saying that if the item is purchased, a breast cancer donation will be made.
• Every 30 to 60 seconds, an announcement is heard on the loudspeaker: "Another shopper on checkstand X has made another generous donation of Y dollars to fight breast cancer."
• When I reached the checkstand, I saw that the credit card reader is framed by a pink breast cancer sign.
• The clerk then asked me, "Would I like to donate to breast cancer?" I said, "Did you know that every year, 100,000 more men than women die early of heart disease, yet have you ever seen Safeway or anyone else mount a campaign against that?" She said, "I never thought about that."

At that point, I decided to write this op-ed and send it to Safeway's president Steven Burd (steve.burd@safeway.com.)

Safeway has made a small effort against prostate cancer but that and other corporations' male-oriented initiatives are dwarfed by those on women's health. Here, for example, is the list of corporate sponsors of the Susan B. Komen breast cancer fund.

Have you seen corporations do much to address the more prevalent early heart attack, which disproportionately kills men? Even companies whose products disproportionately are bought by men are unfair to men's diseases. For example, the aforementioned Oakland A's have donated $1,000,000 to breast cancer but dramatically less to prostate cancer. Even more dismaying, the A's initiative on heart disease specifically excluded men. Wells Fargo (which has far more men-owned money under deposit) often has breast cancer ribbons at their ATMs and sells an entire line of breast-cancer checks and checkbook covers, but I could find nothing that Wells has done to fight prostate cancer or heart attack.

Of course, I want to see breast cancer cured, as quickly as possible. But the nearly complete ignoring of men dying younger and spending their last decade in worse health than women makes me feel sad, scared, and yes, angry. When women have a more minor deficit, for example, so-called underrepresentation in engineering, massive redress efforts are initiated. But when men have the deficit, even the ultimate deficit-- they die younger--all we see is the pink-ribbon tidal wave grow ever more massive.

Today, no matter how many sewers men repair, no matter how many fires men put out, no matter how many medical discoveries men make (Indeed, nearly all breast cancer treatments including the state-of-the-art Herceptin were discovered by men,) no matter how many technical discoveries men make (for example, Google, computers, televisions, cell phones, refrigeration, and even this blogging software,) no matter how many roofs men replace, no matter how many Safeway shelves men stock, no matter how bravely men defend our nation, men are, as Dr. Warren Farrell says, the disposable sex.

P.S. When I came home and poured myself a glass of milk, an entire side of the container was devoted to--you guessed it--breast cancer.

Don't Panic: Stay the Course

In past stock market declines, many people sold stock near the bottom, thereby missing the larger recovery that, heretofore at least, has always occurred. 

No one can accurately predict the stock market's bottom or whether it will recover more than it has lost, but I personally would rather bet on humankind than against it.  

So, I will continue to invest in the stock market without trying to time it:  Whenever my checking account has five thousand dollars more in it than I need, I invest that in Vanguard Total Stock Market ETF, which offers broad stock diversification at an extremely low fee--0.07% plus the rock-bottom $4-per-trade commission charged by Sharebuilder. 

That approach to investing means that over time, I end up owning more shares bought when prices are low than when they're high. And I don't have the stress of trying to do what even most professional investors can't do: time the market and pick individual stocks that will beat the market.

Of course, before investing, everyone should have at least a few months worth of cash reserves in a money market account to allow for emergencies. 

I want to be clear: I am not a professional financial advisor, and your individual situation may warrant a different investment strategy than mine, for example, if you need to insulate your money against wide short-term swings. So, it's typically wise to consult a trusted financial advisor, perhaps showing this blog post to him or her.

Which Careers Are Viable Even in a Depression?

In my view, the bailout plan is putting lipstick on a pig. It's designed to build confidence in a system not worthy of confidence. 

I agree with the Boston Globe article that argues that even the unprecedentedly massive $700 billion bailout is unlikely to stem a long-term decline in the U.S. economy. Indeed, I'd argue that a depression is likely given the U.S.'s severe structural problems:

• An economy built on overspending in a world when ever fewer U.S. workers can afford to overspend and in which even wealthy Americans are realizing you can't spend your way into happiness.
  
• To compete in a global economy, ever more American companies are automating ever more jobs or converting them to just-in-time,  part-time, temporary positions with employees paying an ever larger share of health care costs.  Meanwhile, costs, for example, for energy and college, continue to rise so consumers have less money to pump into the rest of the economy.
• Success in the global marketplace requires ever higher-level skills, but the gap between the perecentage of Asians versus Americans with those skills is increasing. 
• An American ethos that ever more values collectivism and big-government solutions rather than individual initiative and entrepreneurship.
• A housing market that had grown so overheated that even an average physician cannot afford, on her or his income, to buy a home in a desirable neighborhood in most major cities and their suburbs. Less home equity means less comfortability with spending. Fewer people owning homes means less spending--people spend more on homes they own than on those they rent.
• Uncontrolled immigration resulting in large numbers of uneducated, non-English speaking adults whose worklives are limited to low-income physical careers, and when their bodies give out from years of physical labor, many will be unemployable and become costly wards of the state. 
• A large and growing percentage of the U.S. population is from a low socioeconomic background and that group has many more babies than do middle-class people. While, of course, many low-income, uneducated people are fine parents and get good educations for their kids, on average that is less often the case than with middle-class people. Of course, over the generations, the effect of this is geometric. 
• An education system in which politics trumps pedagogy. For example, the bipartisan- beloved No Child Left Behind reallocates school resources from those students with the greatest potential to profit to those with the greatest deficits. To satisfy political special interest groups, in most urban and suburban public schools, an elementary school class will not be grouped by ability. Instead it will likely contain both learning-disabled and high-achieving students, native speakers of English and newcomers who speak little or no English, even that means that all students learn less.

While the vast majority of Americans will suffer as the result of the likely depression, a few career areas should be impervious, perhaps even bolstered:

• Health care: especially registered nurses (particularly med-surg and home health care,) physician assistants, internal medicine physicians, dentists, optometrists, pharmacists, and physical therapy assistants.
• The entertainment industry. Just as the movie industry boomed during the Great Depression because so many people were unemployed and had time on their hands and many others craved escapism, the movie, video game, sports, and creative arts industries should remain robust.  
• Repairers: home, car, commercial, industrial. In a bad economy, people repair rather than replace.
• Education. Even in the recent tough times, our political leaders are calling for increased education spending and voters continue to pass education bonds.
• The energy industry. Despite all the media extolling of solar, wind, etc., I believe nuclear will create the most jobs.
• Accounting. Especially in bad times, wisely accounting for every dollar is indispensable.
• The discrimination industry: law firms specializing in discrimination law, legalizing illegals, sexual harassment; government jobs in watchdog agencies such as the EEOC.
• Law enforcement. In tough times, crime tends to increase. 
• Community colleges. Many people, unable to land a decent job, will go back to school for career retraining. Even for those with college degrees, community colleges tend to offer to the most practical career-related training and at a price affordable even in a depression.
• Senior services: for example housing, home retrofitting, geriatric care management, and, of course, the aforementioned health care.
• The sex and liquor industries. They've always thrived, in good times and bad. 
• The clergy. People seek spiritual support in tough times.
• The repossession, foreclosure, and debt collection industries.  For example, there will be plenty of jobs repossessing the big SUVs from owners who knew they couldn't afford them but took advantage of low-qual/no-qual loans. 
• Counselors, therapists, and coaches, including career-related. With the Mental Health Parity Act passed, counseling will be covered under people's health insurance and in tough times, people will seek counseling. 
• Nationalizing the U.S. health system. I predict this in light of people's inability to afford good care, the system being overtaxed by millions of uninsured people, and Obama's predisposition to big-government solutions. This will create countless government jobs in accounting/actuarial science, information systems, management, etc.
• Goverment work, across the board, but especially in homeland security, health care, and the IRS. The government has police powers to collect taxes in good times and bad, and thus will be more impervious to economic declines. As I've so often written, I believe government, for non-stars, is the last bastion of secure, well-benefitted employment that generally requires only 40-hour workweeks, and offers ample sick days, holidays, and vacation days. 

I hope I'm not being unduly pessimistic. What do you think? And if I'm right, can you think of other careers likely to be viable in a depression?

The New Rules for Landing a Job

Sure, traditional job-search methods like answering ads and posting your resume on a job site sometimes work, especially for low-level jobs.

But most job seekers should use approaches that match the way that today's best employers identify candidates. 

Ever more employers don't bother placing want ads. They know that want ads mainly yield candidates who are actively looking for jobs. Such people, on average, are not the best-quality candidates. 

Employers want candidates who are already well-employed but who could, with the right offer, be seduced into making a move. So they troll online discussion groups, the blogosphere, LinkedIn, and Facebook.

So, job seekers, spend less time polishing the format of your resume and tweaking your cover letter, and spend more time on one or more of these. They'll not only help you land a job but help you grow:

• Become a substantive contributor to the most respected online discussion group in your field. If you don't know what it is, find it using the directories at Google Groups or Yahoo Groups.
• Start a blog. Write posts that would impress your target employer. A good video of yourself in action can help, but better to have no video than an unimpressive one. Here's how you can create one, free. 
• Join LinkedIn and/or Facebook. Create a profile that would impress your target employer. Again, video can help. Here's a a video tutorial. Get at least 20 on-target people to join your LinkedIn or Facebook network. Also answer questions posed on LinkedIn in categories likely to be trolled by your target employers. 

Of course, it's a mistake to spend all your job search time behind a computer. These other activities are most likely to be helpful:

• Create a 15-second pitch: For example, "I'm looking for a project manager-type job, in which I can use my ability to be a liaison between techies and non-techies. I got great evaluations in my previous job, but the company went under in the latest downturn."
•  Deliver your 15-second pitch to all your professional and personal network and to potential employers, even when they're not advertising an on-target job.
  
• Take on a substantive role in your professional association: give a talk at the next meeting, join the program selection committee, etc.
• And yes, answer truly on-target want ads.

The above plan should help you find a job that is right for you, the employer, and, in turn, society. 

An Unexpected Pleasure and Life Lesson

As the economy slows, we will need to find non-spending routes to pleasure.

Today, I found a most unusual one. I was walking my dog, Einstein, around Lake Temescal and decided that I was going to pick up all the dog poop that was lying along the trail.

My first motive for doing so was altruistic: It would keep people from stepping in it. But after filling a few poop bags, I found myself deriving pleasure from doing it:

• It was a concrete accomplishment. It took just a few moments per pile yet each one made a difference.
• It was a treasure hunt: It was fun searching for the next pile.
  
• I derived the pleasure of knowing that I was walking the talk: I've long said that all work is worthy work, even the lowliest. It doesn't get much lower than dung remover.
• I felt a pleasant sense of humility from doing such lowly work.
  

I do plan, from now on, to pick up any poop I see when walking my dog.

Perhaps if dung removal were my full-time job, I wouldn't wax so rhapsodic about it, but my honest feeling is that even if it were, as long as it paid a living wage, I wouldn't mind it. It certainly would be a lower-stress life.

In any event, I left the lake in a bit better shape than when I arrived. Hmm: Leave a place better than when you entered it. Not a bad principle for the life well-led.

Lessons from a Failure

Articles usually focus on success stories, in part because they make the author look good. But much can be learned from failures. So here is one I had today.

I failed with a client, one of my favorites. After 10 sessions over an year's period, we agreed that she wasn't making enough progress to justify continuing.

Note: I have changed a few details to protect her anonymity.

She was a medical researcher on soft money who was unhappy at work and wasn't sure if she needed a new career or strategies for becoming happier on her current job.

So, we came up with a number of alternative careers that seemed to amalgamate her skills and motivations, but she wasn't excited enough about any of them to justify the major effort required to make a career change.

We also tried to figure out how to make her happier in her current job. Her greatest malaise there was that she couldn't motivate herself to write big grant proposals even though she needed those grants to stay employed.

We discovered that the problem was that she was so perfectionistic (partly caused by an overbearing mother) that she made any big task unnecessarily painful. In addition, even if she were to get a big proposal funded, she'd dread having to run such a big project--her perfectionism in doing every detail would make running the project painful. It also would require her to manage people and a big project when her preferred style is to stay immersed in her own research.

To try to reduce her perfectionism, we agreed that her mantra will be "Make it fun; more will get done." When she stayed fully vigilant about doing that, she made significant progress on the proposals, but in the end, she didn't feel motivated enough to stay with it.

She left my office today her perfectionism not much changed, her contentment not much greater, her motivation to change not much higher, and concluding that she isn't meant to be in such a high-powered organization and needs a stable, lower-level job. I fear that she won't be happier in her new job--her perfectionism will go with her and she'll feel bad that she can't even be very successful in that lower-level job.

What did I learn from the experience?

1. When someone, especially someone intelligent, comes to me saying they need to change jobs or careers, I need to honor that and spend less time trying to tweak the current job into acceptability.

2. Don't get seduced into the counselor's trap of always believing that cheering the client on will help him or her rise to the challenge. Sometimes, even if a person has a Ph.D. from a top university, is impressive in intelligence and personality, and employed by a prestigious institution, the person may indeed have risen to his or her level of incompetence or is burned out from having worked so long at it. 

3. Scientists do burn out. Most spend years going down blind alleys and rarely discover much of importance. That, of course, is dispiriting enough to make even a once-driven person want to change careers.

4. Sometimes, nothing works. With this client, I used coaching techniques, cognitive-behavioral methods, exploration of the childhood origins of her problem, career counseling techniques, and even with this most capable client, nothing worked. I just have to accept that, remember the lessons above, and move on.

Do you want to examine a recent failure to see if there are lessons to be learned?