Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Rather Different Sort of Holiday Letter

My dear readers of this blog,

Writing this blog adds more meaning to my life than most anything else I do. So at this holiday time, I feel moved to send you some sort of holiday letter.

Rather than bore you with crap about my life, here are my favorite quotes about Christmas, bracketed by my two favorite Christmas-related YouTube videos, followed by a parody of the office holiday party, and a few closing words from me. And without further ado:

My favorite scene from the movie A Christmas Story.

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas

I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year ~David Grayson

Even as an adult I find it difficult to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yuletide excitement is a potent caffeine, no matter your age. ~Carrie Latet

Remember this December that love weighs more than gold. ~ Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

The spirit of Christmas fulfils humankind's greatest hunger. ~Loring A. Schuler

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. ~Attributed to a 7-year-old named Bobby

Oh for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. ~Author Unknown

I do like Christmas on the whole.... In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill. But it is clumsier every year. ~E.M. Forster

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~Kin Hubbard

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to bits if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to December 25. ~Ogden Nash

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. ~Charles Dickens

Celine Dion: Oh Holy Night

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2010
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
My, what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

Low fat food will be available for those on a diet but we are unable to control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2010
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarians! We are going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too--they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2010
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Happy Holidays,

We are living in tough times. The government may tell us the recession's over, but we all know it's getting ever tougher out there. That makes Christmas's message all the more important. I know I speak for my wife Barbara, the love of my life, in saying that in 2011 more than ever, we'll indeed need peace and good will.

Marty Nemko


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hi, Marty!

First, what a great collection of quotes! I enjoyed them.

I'm glad to read you get a kick out of blogging. I link to your blog and read each post.

I got hooked on your writing years ago at JWR. I've been reading you ever since. Sometimes I show my wife a particularly good article and I've emailed some of your advice to friends, too.

But your blog is the coolest. (I like the tweets, too.)

Merry Christmas and thanks for all the advice!


Marty Nemko said...

Thanks, Lightning Bug. I'm delighted you like my blog. I can't say I get a "kick" of out of writing my blog and tweets but I feel it's the way I make the biggest difference. I do wish more people read it.

Basil Fawlty said...

Marty, thank you for the time, energy and care you put in your writing.

It is such a delight to see superior intelligence to defy generation gaps and wisdom being freely available for curious readers.

It gives a hope for years to come and for many Christmases ahead – if we are lucky.

And thank you for not mixing up holidays. To each its own!

ST said...

I got a good laugh from those HR letters.