I suspect that some readers will respond to this post with some unjustified put-down like "sexist!" or "misogynist!" but I'm trying, in my blog, to not let fear of excoriation preclude me from writing what I honestly believe.
My guest today on my radio show was Carnell Smith, an expert on paternity fraud. He claimed that 30% of men who went to blood banks for paternity tests found that they were not--as the child's mother claimed--the father. Smith went on to say that in most states, DNA evidence, in many cases, is inadmissible. He estimated that, currently, one million men are paying child support for kids they did not father.
Of course, it's outrageous that 30 states would enact such unfair-to-men laws. But why would a woman falsely claim that a man is the father of her child when he isn't, thereby forcing him to unfairly pay many thousands of dollars in child support, and manipulate him into spending 18 years involved in raising a child he didn't father? Smith says that these are the major reasons:
-- He had the deepest pockets among the men she slept with
-- She was trying to chain him to the relationship
-- She thought he'd make the best father
-- She was trying to lash out at the man
Of course, some men do despicable things to women. That's not the point. The media has made us aware (ad nauseam) of the ills men perpetrate on women. In this post, I'm trying to bring to light the much underreported ills that a surprising number of women perpetrate on men so that men can protect themselves.
While most women, like most men, are good people, women are unfairly cruel to men more often than many men think. It needn't be as extreme as paternity fraud. For example, it can simply be your wife or live-in girlfriend dissembling (consciously or not) that she's not viable in the workplace so she can only work part-time on some pleasant job like giving flute lessons, and that you therefore must be the beast of burden, working 40-60 hours a week on a job you might not like, but you're forced to accept to fund her expenditures.
I want to reiterate that I believe that the majority of women, like the majority of men, behave ethically and lovingly to their romantic partner. But many don't. And many guys are naive to that because the media focuses on the ills that men do to women but not vice versa. Men have also been conditioned, unfairly I deeply believe, to think they're oppressors of women.
So, men, be vigilant to being taken advantage of by a woman, and if you believe it likely that you are being treated unfairly, don't--before being convinced you're wrong--cave when she pulls out the ploys: crying, withdrawing, yelling, and yes, playing the gender card by calling you "sexist" or "misogynist."
Sunday, April 27, 2008
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10 comments:
Good man, Marty. Thanks for posting this. An act of courage, but only an unreasonable person would protest. Books like "Sperm Wars" elaborate on this topic, but I didn't know that the number was as high as 30%.
As a caveat, we can't claim that this is morally reprehensible (at least some times) because the woman is genetically built to seek the best chances of having a child that will survive and reproduce. This is why the women cheat: when ovulating, they will tend to go with the men they think will give them that child.
So let us not blame women. Let us blame, if anything, our evolution and our genes. And if men don't want their women to cheat, they should work on themselves to become better.
Listen to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. That song is so true. Even though my girlfriend looks at me strangely when I say that :)
You don't speak for me, anonymous. I can (and do) claim that paternity fraud is morally reprehensible. To blame it on a genetic predisposition is a cop-out.
Red State Man:
I stumbled upon your web site and found it to be very informative and thought provoking. However, your blog seems to be one long whine. It is unbecoming for a man to constantly complain that he is oppressed. I believe this mindset seems to be predominate among men younger than 60 on the East and West Coasts. Buck up and go hunting.
If women and minorities didn't "whine" about injustices, they never would have derived all the benefits they have. Today, boys and men indeed are treated unfairly and so I believe it is important for me to make the case rather than, as you suggest, go hunting--which, frankly, is the last activity I would select as an alternative.
Charles: I do think that lying and ruining a person's life is morally reprehensible and should be condemned - that is what paternity fraud is. But having at least an idea of this (evolutionary) disposition - however non-PC it might be - gives us an idea of how tied to our genes we are.
These are things that are not "nice" to talk about. Did they ever tell us in biology class that approx. 10% of the people who walk this Earth were fathered by a person other than who they consider to be their father? That is 600 million people. Now, this is not to be paranoid, but it's an estimate.
Everything else that happens later - the lies, the cheating, the manipulation - is reprehensible and disgusting. But how is a woman going to explain that she "cheated for the good of the gene?" She can't because she doesn't understand it. Thus she is silent because she knows that she will be in trouble. However, her genes need to ensure the kid survives.
So she keeps it to herself. Lies. Tells the man it's his so the kid can survive. Thus, 18 years later, the man finds out that he's been paying child support for a kid that wasn't his.
This is not an absolute statement, but an example of a way it could work. Again, let us not sink into paranoia, but at least have an understanding.
Marty: I agree with you there as well. A lot of things are screwed up because of the way men have been vilified in general. I do believe that this will be addressed when women finally reach the top - and find out they are lonely. That's when the male will be embraced again, but we're going to continue to take a beating until that happens.
As a female I have to say that there is much truth to your post. I do think that paternity fraud is absolutely wrong-and states should accept DNA evidence in these cases. While genetics may be a factor as anonymous posted, women still have the ability to choose her course of action and to determine how to proceed based on a long-view; to include what her child will think of her if/when that child learns the truth about the father. I'm not a big fan of lying, to say the least, and especially not when so many people and so much impact is involved.
I also think men do get the short end of the stick sometimes. As my husband made me aware of this, take notice of how many advestisements portray men as idiots, without much complaint from the men-which I think they should complain about. But women can be assured that no such ads see the light of day, and if they do, someone will hear about it to be sure.
Feminism was intended for equality, but I think many women want it to be about female superiority, which isn't fair to men. And as you noted in paternity fraud, even the state/federal laws protect and favor women more than men.
I'm also a mother of two boys and the way schools are now geared more for girls (which is to compensate for how girls were behind in math and sciences); I notice how many boys are falling through the cracks of the educational system because girls are the priority. I am all for education plans that help girls succeed, just not at the expense of boys. Again it's all about equality. Hopefully, as things were once more male friendly, and now I believe they are more female-friendly, that we'll move from both extremes into more equality for both sexes that isn't at the expense of the other.
A girl can dream anyway...
If it's 30%, that's a huge number and should be brought to everyone's attention.
I'm surprized by the percentage, but not that women can be as mean as men. Including those who treat men as a means of support by using manipulation.
In the past, one could argue that women had to use manipulation to level the playing field (career choices and advancement limited to men), although there were always those whose sole aim was tricking others simply for their own greed, luxury.
I like to believe that the playing field is leveled (and no longer requires preferential treatment for any group based on anything but ability) and that it's impossible to justify treating anyone like a meal ticket.
(speaking as a woman who wouldn't want to be treated that way and who tries to treat others the way I would want to be treated!)
Actually, folks, if you would bother to go back on read books written by early feminists, and also the more current crop of charming ladies, you'll find that the issue was not equality at all. It was simple misandry. The hatred of men and heterosexuality is the core of their belief system, and it explains our present dilemna with marriage and the family.
Sadly, few people take the time and effort -and it requires great effort to wade through the insane ravings of women like Dworkin- to find out what the goals of feminists have been all along.
Even sadder, virtually all women have bought into feminism to one degree or another, making the majority of them useless as wives or mothers.
Ah, well. Bachelorhood is the answer while Rome burns.
Christopher
While I agree that some women may be nefarious, I am a little suspicious of the way the 30% number was presented:
"He claimed that 30% of men who went to blood banks for paternity tests found that they were not--as the child's mother claimed--the father."
This statement indicates to me that the men who actively sought out the blood test probably had reason to be suspicious. While it stands to reason that some men may be clueless about their significant other's infidelity, I don't believe the 30% figure should be interpreted across the board.
Wear a condom...so easy to avoid the pesky trap being laid for you!
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