Fear of Embarrassment

Fear of failure is a widely cited inhibitor of self-actualization. In my experience with clients and myself, that’s often not as villainous as claimed. Irrational fear of failure is a problem: a person is competent to do X and can easily survive failure, indeed learn from it, yet nonetheless, in fear of failure, doesn’t do it. But often, task-avoidance for fear of failure is rational: the person estimates that their time would be better spent on something else.

A less discussed, often more problematic and, fortunately, more ameliorable inhibitor of wise action is fear of embarrassment: that others will think less of them. A few examples:

• For fear of seeming less-than, being unwilling to ask one’s network for job leads.
• For fear of sounding awkward, not asking someone for a date.
• For fear of showing vulnerability, being too withholding.

But what to do? I offer suggestions in my PsychologyToday.com article today.

Curing Career Fear

Even competent people can suffer from career fear: the imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and/or the Peter Pan syndrome, the fear of growing up. Of course, there are no magic pills but in my PsychologyToday.com article today, I offer the tactics that have most often helped my clients.

Case Study: Why She's Unproductive

I had an session with a client on Friday that I believe offers lessons for anyone who's struggling with productivity. It may also be of interest to counselors. I summarize it in my PsychologyToday.com article today.

Do You Really Need to Cure Your Perfectionism? And if so, how?

Perfectionism: Is it a problem? And if so, what to do about it?  

That's the topic of my PsychologyToday.com article. HERE is the link.

Unleashing Your Inner Ham: Overcoming fear of showing others your creative efforts

My PsychologyToday.com article today: Unleashing Your Inner Ham.  

Many people would end up enjoying showing their creative efforts to others--their singing, writing, art, whatever. But they're scared. This article may help mitigate those fears.

You May Need Not Baby Steps but Micro Steps

I suggested to one of my career counseling clients that she call 20 potential employers. She exclaimed, "I can't even say hello to a store clerk and you want me to cold contact 20 employers?"

That reminded me of how fear-filled many people are. So if even a baby step feels too big, ask yourself what is the microstep you could take: the step that is so easy, you wouldn't be tempted to procrastinate it.

For example, if you're too scared to cold contact even one employer, try writing a script for a 10-second pitch. Then read it aloud, perhaps into a recorder. Listen to the recording and keep trying it until you like it. Then give your 10-second pitch to a best friend. Next, call one prospective employer--one you don't mind at all screwing up with.

How I May Have Helped a Client Control His Procrastination

At the end of his first career counseling session, an 18-year-old client said that for homework, he'd visit a firehouse and ask what it's really like to be a firefighter.

He returned for his second session not having done it. After probing, we discovered the core reason: At the moment he's deciding whether to do a task, he feels anxiety and gets quickest relief by deciding, "I'll do it some other time." A few more of my questions and he came up with his own cure: "At that moment, I have to stop thinking and just make myself get started on the task."

But he then said, "I think I'll do better when summer's over. Summer is the season for play, not work." I said something like, "Key to my feeling good about my life is that I seek rather than avoid work--because while I enjoy playing with my dog, watching movies and so on, play does nothing for the world. In contrast, by doing work I'm good at and thus kind of enjoy (although not as much as playing with my dog), I feel proud of myself and never feel guilt for frittering away time. A key to avoiding procrastination is to seek work rather than avoid it." He agreed and said he'd really think about that. I'm not sure whether he was shining me on or not.

He then said, "I'm afraid though of imposing on the firefighter or sounding stupid." I told him how my father, to buy the merchandise he'd sell in his clothing store, he had to go to tiny wholesalers, in person, each Sunday. He would take me with him. Often, he'd use this strategy: He'd keep asking for a lower price until the wholesaler said something like, "That's my lowest price." My father would thank him and walk out. If the wholesaler didn't come after him, my dad knew he had gotten the best price and would--if the price was in fact acceptable--return and say, "Okay, I'll take it." I asked my dad, "Don't you feel embarrassed to go back in there?" My father said something like, "Martin, it's worth a moment of embarrassment to make sure I get a good price so I can make a decent living and take care of you, your sister, and your mother." Moral of the story: A survivable measure of uncomfortability is worth it if the larger benefit is worth it. As long as it's ethical, ask for what you want--go and ask that firefighter what it's really like to be one.

I don't know whether any of the above will actually help my client control his procrastination but we're both cautiously optimistic and so I thought I'd share that anecdote with you.

The World's Shortest Course in Success

I wish I could say that ethics is paramount but if I am to be honest, nothing is more important than intelligence and drive. 

Balance is overrated. Most people of accomplishment work 50, 60, even 80 hours a week. And that imbalance need not be deleterious to their health. A person who works slow and steady on work he or she is good at will be far less stressed than someone who's annoyed by their children's or spouse's shenanigans or who get frustrated with every bad golf shot.

Also key to success: As long as it's ethical, ask for what you want. People who don't ask--for fear of rejection, failure, imposing, etc.--usually doom themselves to far less success than they otherwise could achieve.

Curing Your Procrastination

Think of the moment you're supposed to start working.

Are you aware of that moment? If not, part of the solution may be to force yourself to remember, for example, "9:00 is when I have to start working." You might even set a timer to go off at 9.

If you are aware of the moment, but let yourself get distracted by other activities, which of these is the cause and cure:

• Laziness: Remind yourself that, like a heroin addict, the short-term pleasure will be outweighed by the long-term pain. Also, think of how good you'll feel when you get the task done and reap the benefits of that.
  

• Fear of failure/rejection. Of course, sometimes fear of failure is a legitimate self-warning. For example, maybe the risk of starting that business or going back to college is too great. But often, the fear is irrational. If so, remember, if you don't try, you ensure failure. If you try and fail, couldn't you survive? And so what if those failures help you realize you are just average or mediocre. Not everyone can be a star. Just plain folk are worthy too. The only people who are unworthy are parasites: surviving mainly on other people's misery and/or largesse. Give yourself a break.
  

• Fear of success: True, people may expect more of you if you succeed, but remember: You're worthy even if despite your best efforts, your results are mediocre. And if you fear success because it will make someone feel bad, remember that worthy people will rejoice in your success. If your co-worker or family member resents your success, does that person deserve your sabotaging yourself for that person?