On Burying My Twin: a fictional short-short story

What I Like and Don't

What's a Not-Christian to Do at Christmas?

My new book, How to Do Life: Advice on life, work and the future is free, today only

 My new book, How to Do Life: Advice on life, work, and the future was published today. Today only, the Kindle version is free. I'd welcome your writing an honest review of it on Amazon. Here's the link to the book: https://smile.amazon.com/How-Do-Life-Advice-future-ebook/dp/B0BSD1L8Y1

The Wisdom Project: Yes-ands and yes-buts to 13 luminaries' quotations

I reviewed literally thousands of quotes and identified 17 that are particularly potent for living wisely. My Medium.com article today lists them plus my yes-ands and yes-buts.

The World’s Shortest Course in How to Do Life: Advice on 26 of life's biggest decisions . . . most in 25 words or less.

For each of 26 of life’s major decisions, my Psychology Today article today offers advice, most in 25 words or less.

My Seven Most Potent How-to-Do-Life Tips: Career, relationships, money, mental health, physical health, and the life well-led

Amid the information overload, it may help, even at the risk of reductionism, to offer a super-distillation of the advice on how to live life.

So, as a thought experiment, I reflected on my 1,538 How To Do Life posts here on PsychologyToday.com to identify what, for each of life’s seven core components, is the single idea that has been most helpful across the 5,700 career and personal advising clients I’ve had the privilege of serving. I offer them as my PsychologyToday.com article today.

Thank you dear readers, you've now viewed my Psychology Today articles 2 million times.

The Handout from My Upcoming Berkeley Adult School Class

Here is the handout for my upcoming class at Berkeley Adult School.  

If you would like to attend, it's this Saturday Oct 5 from 10 AM to 1 PM. 

It's free, with donations accepted, 100% of which will go to the Berkeley Adult School scholarship fund.  

For information and registration, click HERE, although I think you can just show up.

How to Do Life: What They Didn’t Teach You in School

Marty Nemko, Berkeley Adult School, Oct 5, 2013

Career Success

Realize that all ethical work—from laborer to leader-- is sacred and makes the world better.

Few people burn out from long work weeks. They burn out from doing work they're not good at or from working with the wrong people.

Where are you on the continuum from

Work the least you can get away with
TO
Do the most you can accomplish?

Where do you want to be?

Replace dabbling with laser focus.

Procrastination is a career killer: 15% of the highly successful call themselves procratinators. 90% of unemployed people do.  Procrastination may have worked in school but there’s much less grade inflation in the workplace.

To reduce procrastination:

1: Remind yourself of the key benefit and liability of getting a task done: for example, how good it will feel to get it done, how much your procrastination has hurt you.

2. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. That too shall pass.

3. Be aware of the moment of truth when you decide, usually unconsciously, whether to do an uncomfortable task.

4. When tempted to procrastinate, break down the task into baby steps.  Write them on a “thermometer.” Then stay in the moment and put one foot in front of the other. Don’t know how to break the task down? Get help.

5. Struggle for only one minute. If you haven't made progress by then, get help or decide you can do the project without conquering that roadblock.

6. Stay vigilant to avoid procrastination all the way to the task’s end.

Find out the truth. Most people think they're above average. Getting the truth might help you before it's too late. And if you are above average, feedback helps you be even better. Ongoing, get feedback from your boss and respected co-workers, perhaps using Checkster's Talent Checkup: www.checkster.com/solutions/talent-checkup.

Be low-maintenance. You pay a big price for being high-maintenance. Even asking too many questions or offering too many ideas may be unwelcome.

Think time-effectiveness. Ongoing, ask of yourself, "Is this worth doing?" And if so, how perfectionistically?" Just as we drive faster or slower depending on the situation, we should choose the right speed for tackling a task.

I do my best thinking while hiking or pacing in my office.

Try to work solo if you're brighter and more motivated than most of your co-workers. If you're not, get on teams.

Tell quest stories. Everyone knows that most people are persuaded at least as much by story as by statistics but less well-known is that a most powerful form of story is the quest story: Describe a serious problem and the travails of trying to solve it, ideally a problem you tackled.

Hire slow; fire fast. Hiring may be a manager's most important task. Rather than rely on responses to job ads, tap your extended network – they're more likely to refer good candidates. Then evaluate applicants mainly by having them do simulations of tough tasks they'll encounter on the job. If an employee is doing poorly, after a brief attempt at remediation, it's usually wiser to cut your losses and try someone else. Spending extra time trying to improve a bad employee is usually a poor and stressful use of your time, increases the employee's enmity and, in turn, the likelihood of a harassment or wrongful termination claim.

Negotiate gently. Rule of thumb: Reject the first offer, accept the second. Think cosmically: In the largest scheme of things, how important, for example, is that extra money, after taxes. Will it change your life significantly? Enough to risk losing the job or your boss's good will?

Self-Employment

Don't innovate; replicate. The leading edge too often turns out to be the bleeding edge. Guinea pigs usually die. You lower your risk in starting a business by taking a proven business idea and cloning it in a new location or giving it a minor tweak. For example, you're more likely to succeed by incorporating the best features of five busy laundromats into yours than by trying to invent some new product or service.

Keep it simple. The more complicated the business, the bigger the risk. Do one simple thing well. For example, sell amazing grilled cheese sandwiches.

Be very careful in spending. Money is a business's lifeblood. So if you spend too much, your business will die. So, for example, work from home or see if you can get space free from a friend, a room in a church, whatever. Hire on a just-in-time basis. Use a template website, not a custom-created one. Figure out how much to pay for products based not on the retail price but on what it likely costs to manufacture. Example: Eyeglass frames may cost $100 retail but pennies to make – they're just cheap metal or plastic. So if you, Mr. Optician, think you're getting a good deal in buying frames "wholesale" for $20, you're wrong. $1 is closer to right.

Communication

It's easy to be liked: listen more than talk, praise often, and disagree rarely. The question is, is it worth the loss of integrity?

There's cost and benefit each time you criticize or suggest. Only sometimes is it worth the price. Make the choice consciously.

Don’t overestimate the power of a rational argument. Before making it, pause to think, “How will that make the person feel?”

Don't try to show how smart or good you are. Usually, it's wise to prioritize making others feel good about themselves.

Long-winded? Constantly ask yourself, "Does the person really need and want to know this?" Remember The Traffic Light Rule:: 30 seconds=green, 30-60 seconds=yellow, 60+ seconds=red.

Are You Assertive Enough?

Not that long ago, to stay reasonably employed, you had only to do what you're told. But today, alas, mainly the assertive thrive. Are you sufficiently assertive? Rate yourself 0 to 10 on each of these:

1.   10 = To better suit your strengths and/or meet the employer's needs, you'd make the case for changing your job description.

0 = You'd take or leave the job description as-is.

Your score: ____

2.  10 = You negotiate fairly but firmly.

0 = You accept the first offer.

Your score: ____

3.  10 = You regularly solicit feedback on yourself and take action to improve.

0 = You never solicit feedback on yourself and if you get it, don't do much to improve.

Your score: ____

4.  10 = You regularly offer positive and negative feedback, for example, if you believe you were treated unfairly or that a co-worker's poor work is affecting you or the organization.

0 = You never give feedback.

Your score: ____

5.  10 = You're likely to take-on or ask your boss if you can take-on a project: streamline a system, identify a new profit center, start an online discussion group, whatever.

0 = You never propose doing a project.

Your score: ____

6.  10 = You often make suggestions in meetings or to your boss.

0 = You never make suggestions. You only agree or disagree with others' ideas.

Your score: ____

7.  10 = If appropriate, you express disagreement with your co-workers or boss.

0 = You never express disagreement with your co-workers or boss.

Your score: ____

8.  10 = You’re comfortable making cold calls or emails, whether to get a sale, information, or a reasonable favor.

0 = You're scared to and never make cold calls or emails.

Your score: ____

9.  10 = You don't need the structure of school to learn. You do most learning on your own or with a tutor rather than taking a course, which may be expensive and/or inconvenient with much instruction that’s insufficiently relevant or too fast-and-slow-paced for your needs.

0 = You need the structure of school.

Your score: ____

10.  10 = If your job is boring, unethical, dead-end, insufficiently remunerative, or otherwise unsatisfactory, you look assertively for better work.

0 = You stay put unless terminated or a better job drops in your lap.

Your score: ____

Utterly Unvalidated Scoring Key

> 90:  Fully assertive. You'll likely move up in responsibility, perhaps way up, and no matter what, you'll feel control over your worklife.

70 - 89:  Assertive

45-70:  Average

25-45:  Fairly passive. You’ll likely hold only individual contributor roles.

< 25:  Passive. You may be at risk of losing even an individual-contributor role.

Whatever your score, is there an item or two you'd like to work on?

Parenting. Invoking guilt is a surprisingly effective technique and one that helps encourage your child to be intrinsically motivated.

Romantic relationship. Consider having a relationship summit on one or more of these: sex, communication, career, money, chores, children.

Emotional health

If your self-esteem is low, perhaps focus on finding work you can succeed at. Real self-esteem comes from accomplishment.

Antidote to depression and anxiety: Replace self-absorption with "How can I serve another person or society?"

Look for and  exaggerate aggrievement and you'll likely have a worse life than if you look at your glass as half full.

Health

Preventive efforts are much more potent than treatment. NY Times: 40% of procedures are useless or worse: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/26/medical-procedures-may-be-useless-or-worse/?_r=0

Fast eaters: To slow down, put your fork down after every bite. You'll not only consume fewer calories, you'll enjoy them more.

Money

How can you live decently on $20,000 a year? Key: Make the effort to find an inexpensive place to live—e.g, iffy neighborhood or a room, basement or attic apartment, or backyard cottage in a nice neighborhood. Also, drive an old Toyota, buy clothes at thrift and consignment stores, Wal-Mart, etc.

Maximize your contribution to your workplace's retirement plan: 401(k), 403(b), or, if you're self-employed, to a SEP-IRA.

Don't overdiversify, putting your money in lots of places. That adds to your paperwork and makes it difficult to follow how you're doing. An all-in-one fund provides considerable diversification at low cost, and puts all that diversification on one statement. Widely recommended: Vanguard all-in-one funds: https://personal.vanguard.com/us/funds/vanguard/onefund.

Locking in new behaviors

Vigilance regarding communication and procrastination is key although difficult.

If you want to lock in a new attitude or behavior, say and/or write that and why. Then keep paraphrasing, NOT reading it, three times a day for at least one week.

A comforting thought: Seven billion people are, in their own way, trying to make things better. How can one not be an optimist about the world's future?

A crucial lesson: Remember my dad’s story’s lesson: Don't look back; always take the next step forward.

How to Do Life: Life Advice I Wish My Parents Had Given Me

Here's my latest AOL piece: How to Do Life: What I Wish My Parents Told Me.

Note, it's actually quite different than the similarly titled piece of mine, 10 Life Lessons Guaranteed to Advance Your Career that appeared last week on USNews.com, Yahoo!, and Business Insider.