The Excellent Mentor

On Mentoring

A Word With Marty: "INVESTING" (Time and money)

The Warehouse Pairer: a short-short story

The Meaning of Life From Right Field

Less Obvious Tips for Mentors and Mentees

Co-Mentoring; An under-considered approach to professional and personal growth.

I thought about what has helped me grow most. One of them is co-mentoring with a respected friend or colleague: thirty minutes by phone. In the first half, we discuss an issue s/he chooses. Then we reverse.  I describe how it works in my Psychology Today article today.

Seniors: Pass on what you know while you still care to

Many seniors reach a point at which they’re too sick or too tired to make the effort to pass on what they’ve learned over their lifetime.

Please, if you’re still in reasonably good shape, remember that sharing what you know is an excellent way to add meaning to your life and have it extend beyond.

My Psychology Today article today may help you realize how much you, even if you’re “nothing special,” could pass on to friends, family, and colleagues.

Making Mentoring Work: A simple but effective approach

A mentor isn’t mainly an advice-giver, nor mainly a listener. A mentor balances listening, facilitating, and advice-giving, and does it in a skillful way. My Psychology Today article today describes how to do that.

Mentoring a Gifted Child

We tend to donate our time and money to “the least among us.”  But if the goal is to make the biggest difference, we might want to focus on people with unusually good potential to profit. My favorite example: Mentor or fund the mentoring of a kid(s) from families with modest income who are high performers. Why can that be so potent?

• Of course, some not-high-performers become late bloomers. But current high-performers are more likely to grow up to cure our diseases, create better products, be wise leaders, etc.
• The rich are more likely to help their high-performing kids to live up to their potential. That’s less likely with kids from lower-income backgrounds.
• One-on-one efforts are likely to yield significant benefit because the engagements are individualized and they bring the emotional connection that can foster motivation.

My PsychologyToday.com article today shows how to recruit and make the most of such a mentoring relationship, for the child and for you.
Of course, in today's era of suspicion especially about sexual predators, you may be limited to being a participant in an existing at-school program, but maybe not. In either case, the following should be helpful.

Peer Mentoring: A potent tool for self-improvement and building friendship

Whether it’s for yourself, your child, or anyone else you care about, peer mentoring is among the more potent (and free) ways to improve a life.

In peer mentoring, two to eight people meet regularly in-person or virtually (phone/teleconference, Skype, Facetime, or Zoom) to listen, ask questions, and offer advice. Usually, the focus is a problem a person is facing but sometimes, especially after a relationship among the members has been developed, it might simply be to report on something good, bad, or just interesting that’s happened or is upcoming.

I have initiated and been a participant in a peer mentoring pair and a group of eight for years. My PsychologyToday.com article today summarizes what I’ve learned.

Making Mentoring Matter

Too many bright, motivated people don’t live up to their potential. Sometimes, a mental health professional may be required, but other times, just a caring mentor may do, for example, if the person could use better social skills, advising on school, coaching on time management, or simply feels lonely, different from most people.

We typically think of mentoring as older guiding younger but even seniors can benefit from mentoring. But the example I’ll use in my PsychologyToday.com article today on mentoring is a widely under-served group: children with excellent reasoning ability who attend a school with primarily lower-middle-class children. In such schools, programs for high-potential children often have been eviscerated yet the parents are often insufficiently wealthy or knowledgeable to help their kids live up to their potential. Thus, mentoring such students may yield particular benefit.

HERE is the link to the article.

Self-Mentoring Has Advantages Over a Mentor

Don't have a mentor?  Self-mentoring offers advantages. My PsychologyToday.com article today outlines them. HERE is the link.

Days of Our Work Lives: Part III: Adam's Saga. Episode 9: A Good Panic Attack

Days of Our Work Lives

Part III: Adam's Saga

Episode 9

A Good Panic Attack
 

In the previous episode, Adam was intrigued by a speaker at the Future Optometrists Club: a professor at the university, Harry Van Doren, who was an expert on penetrating eye injuries...and a person with Asperger's Syndrome, high-functioning autism.

Intrigued because of his own social awkwardness, Adam went to Van Doren's next office hour.

Adam began by saying that he was fascinated with Van Doren's research. That was all Harry needed to go off and running for 15 minutes without a breath, in that mumbly voice and without making eye contact.

Adam didn't understand half of what Van Doren was saying but didn't want to sound stupid or make him feel like a poor communicator, so when Harry came up for air, Adam didn't ask for an re-explanation. He simply said, "Fascinating," whereupon Van Doren finally looked at Adam: "How'd you like to help me?"

Adam said, "How in the world could someone like me be of help to you, Dr. Van Doren?"

"Call me Harry. You can teach me how to be a better presenter. Just the way you've communicated with me here and at the Future Optometrists Club meeting showed me you're a better communicator than I am. I'm so bad that I usually get a panic attack before speaking. And it's getting worse, not better."

"Why don't you get a professional speaking coach or some professor?" 

"I'm a little embarrassed to. And actually, I'd feel more comfortable with a student, with you. Adam, I have the biggest speech of my life coming up in three months at the World Council of Optometry Convention. I need your help."

And for three months, Adam sat with Harry an hour a week, mainly praising, occasionally reminding him to speak up or not mumble. As Adam gained confidence, he dared go a little further: "Do you think you need to add an example here?" or "Do you think there's too much on that slide? Maybe people need it simpler. Or at least I need it simpler."

Instead of getting defensive, Harry said, "Good! I need feedback like that. I'm so close to the research, the most complicated thing seems obvious to me."

At the conference, being with the socially terrible Harry somehow made Adam feel more confident about doing the schmoozey things he knew he should do. For example, he trolled the exhibit area and came a bit early to sessions to initiate conversation with friendly and influential-looking people. His standard opener: "Hi, my name is Adam Sapian. I'm in my final year of optometry school. This is my first conference. How about you?"

Right before Harry was scheduled to speak, he took Adam to an empty meeting room, closed the door, and rehearsed the speech one more time. Harry was more nervous. You could feel it. So Adam gave no suggestions; he knew his job now was just to calm Harry down: "You know more about this than anyone in the world. You'll do great. You're the king!" Harry laughed but his face was pale. Harry looked at his watch and said, "Showtime."

And off they went to the grand ballroom. Harry quivered, "Adam, you sit here, right where you told me I tend to look: a few rows back and just to the right of center. Seeing you a lot will calm me down."

At that moment, the introducer said to the packed ballroom, "Ah, here is the man of the hour. Get up here, Harry!" 

Harry shakily climbed the three stairs to the dais. And then, to the audience's surprise, he turned around, raced back to Adam and whispered "I can't do it. I'm having a panic attack. A bad one. Really!" 

"Harry, three deep breaths. You can do it."

"I can't. Adam, you do it. You've heard me do it a 1,000 times. Please. You have to!"

And without waiting for an answer, Harry stood up and, now relieved that he wouldn't have to give the talk, said in the most authoritative voice he could muster,

"It's important that we in the older generation give our young students a chance to shine so I've asked my star student, Adam Sapian to give the talk. He's fully prepared. Please, as you young people say, "Give it up for Adam Sapian!"

And the audience indeed did "give it up for Adam Sapian." Harry's mini-speech had touched everyone.

Adam had no choice. "Okay, Harry, give me your note cards." Adam rose from his seat and, in his ADHD way, ran up the stairs to the dais, and on the last step, tripped and fell onto the dais, whereupon his contact lens popped out." 

"God, my lens popped out!" And instantly, five eminent optometrists and one clumsy optometry student were all on their knees looking for a contact lens. Adam thought, "Ben was right. I would lose my contact lenses."

Fortunately, someone found the lens and, from there, it was smooth sailing. Adam did a creditable job and whatever insufficiencies were more than compensated for by the moment's poignancy.

Adam ended the talk with, "Of course, I couldn't answer your questions anywhere near as well as Dr. Van Doren can. Dr. Van Doren, do you want to take questions?" And Harry did, more poised than he had ever been in his life.

Afterwards, Adam had a longer line of people waiting to talk with him than did Harry. One was the vice-president of the American Optometric Association who asked if he'd be the student member of the speaker selection committee. Two others made him an even better offer: a job!

But which to pick?

The next episode is HERE.

I teach a 3-hour class this Sat. at Berkeley Adult School: How to Do Life

Berkeley Adult School has asked me back to teach another three-hour class this Saturday, Oct. 5 from 10 AM to 1 PM.

This one will be based on my book, How to Do Life: What They Didn't Teach You in School.

I'll discuss such topics as how to find and make the most of a mentor, how to negotiate well without having to be too aggressive, how to succeed in difficult conversations, and yes, my thoughts on the meaning of life.

It is free although you're asked to make a $10 to $15 donation to Berkeley Adult School's scholarship fund. No one, however, will be turned away because of lack of funds.

HERE is the info for signing up.

Mentor Minutes

I am working on a book, videos, and audios that I'm calling Mentor Minutes. 

Here's my first-draft list of topics. Any you'd like to see me add?
Figuring out your next career step?

Making yourself more fire-resistant

What's your brand?

How to become intrapreneurial

The world's shortest writing course
Managing your appearance without going broke
The world's shortest course in staying healthy
The world's shortest parenting course. (If you have issues with your kids, it may affect your worklife.)

The world's shortest management course

Winning at office politics...without selling your soul

How good a communicator are you, really? (a quiz.)

Do you talk too much?

Advanced negotiation strategy

You're the job interviewer: finding out what the candidate is really like

You're getting interviewed for a job: figuring out if it really is a match, and if so, how to convince the employer that's true.

The ahead-of-the-pack resume

The ahead-of-the-pack cover letter

Running a meeting so you find out what's really going on

Keys to being a great participant in a meeting

The art of inspiring others

Getting yourself inspired--Would you like a boost in drive, motivation?

Managing your procrastination 

Giving a talk that's compelling

Get Smart: improving your cognitive functioning

The most important lesson my father taught me

Curing your disorganization: one pill does not fit all.

Just-in-time training: learning what you need without school

Making work more fun...or at least less odious

Making yourself do the ethical thing when it's inexpedient.

A 360-degree evaluation: most painful, beneficial thing you can do for your career:

Reducing your stress

Taming an anger problem.

Why Mentoring Bright Boys is a Great Use of Your Volunteer Time

My previous two posts discussed how to mentor bright boys but gave short shrift to why I believe it's one of the best uses of one's volunteer time.

Today, we tend to view boys negatively and believe that when bright boys succeed, it's despite their maleness. So, with all the good causes for you to devote your time to, why mentor a bright boy?

Many bright boys today feel neglected. Thanks, in part, to No Child Left Behind, most schools focus on low-achieving kids. Bright ones are too often ignored or made to tutor slow kids. Sure, bright kids derive some benefit from tutoring the slow but making a kid who's reading on a sixth grade level read The Cat in the Hat to a weak student is mainly a way to reduce everyone to the lowest common denominator.

Imagine you were forced to sit bored for six hours a day, five days a week, for 180 school days, for more than a decade. How would you feel? Now imagine that, like many boys, you are active and have a hard time sitting still for six hours. Mightn't you act up? How'd you feel if the teacher (usually a woman who cannot understand why you can't sit there all day) yells at you, gives you bad grades, and virtually forces you to take Ritalin (an amphetamine) in order to attend class?

Would you live up to your considerable potential? Are you likely to enjoy a happy childhood?

For the foreseeable future, the schools will not change. Even though many more boys than girls drop out, and commit suicide, and far fewer go to college, disproportionate attention is paid to girls: for example, curriculum that highlights women's accomplishments and men's evils; e.g., the enormous coverage given to Pocahontas, Sacajawea, Harriet Tubman , Marie Curie, and Susan B. Anthony and to white male tyrants from Hannibal to Hitler to Joe McCarthy. Girls are allowed to wear tee shirts that say, "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them" yet no one would even dare make a tee shirt that said "Girls are stupid. Throw rocks at them."

Lest we have a generation of bright boys with enormous wasted potential and who experience great pain, we need fair-minded people, especially men, to mentor bright boys. How about you?

How to Mentor a Kid

In my previous post, I suggested that mentoring a bright boy is a rarely considered but valuable sort of volunteerism. In that post, I also list ways to find a deserving kid.

Here I describe what I'd do if I was to mentor a bright kid, male or female.

1. I'd ask his parent(s) about the boy's strengths, weaknesses, interests, needs, and any issues I need to understand.

2. I'd meet the child with the parent(s) there. I'd, in a minute or so, tell a little about myself. Then I'd ask the child about those same things I asked the parent about.

In that meeting, I'd ask the kid, "What sorts of activities might you find fun to do with me?" If he couldn't come up with any, I'd suggest a few that seemed consonant with who he is that I too would find fun, for example: play with a chemistry set, play ball, visit the library, build a rocket, write a short story together, hike, go to a museum, amusement park, a movie, play, plant a garden, do a science experiment, read a book aloud (perhaps alternating pages--I read for two minutes; then he reads for two minutes.)

I'd ask if he'd appreciate being able to email or phone me if he had something he wanted to ask or tell me.

3. We'd meet either regularly or irregularly, in-person and/or by phone, email, or SkypeVideo.

When it felt right, I'd ask questions to help understand what he's dealing with, practically and psychologically. Yes, sometimes, I'd offer advice. Other times, I'd just play facilitator.

4. If I felt the relationship was insufficiently rewarding to him or me, I'd gently and tactfully sever it and find someone else to mentor. Mentoring is a great gift to a kid and I'd want to give it to someone who is really benefiting from it.

Mentor a Bright Boy

Among the most beneficial ways to volunteer is to mentor a bright boy.

Endless programs exist to mentor and otherwise help girls and women, far fewer for boys, even though boys' school and life performance, relative to girls, has so declined in recent decades. For example, in 1980, the ratio of college graduates was 50/50. Now it's approaching 40% male, 60% female.

I advocate helping bright boys rather than boys in general because the public schools are now so focused on helping the lowest achievers that bright kids' great potential is so often being wasted. They're forced to sit stultified and if they can't, they're too often put on a Ritalin leash.

How you mentor can vary. For example, you could do a recreational activity together: build a model, play basketball with him, whatever. In the process, bring up topics that might help him identify interests, reveal problems, come up with questions to ask you. You could meet once a week or once a month, or not meet at all--mentorship by phone and email counts.

To find a bright boy who could use a mentor, contact the counselor at a local school, the gifted child coordinator in your school district, the principal of your church or synagogue's Sunday School, or simply ask your friends or PTA members.

Would You be a Big Brother/Sister to a Neglected Smart Kid?

I am helping Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America to assess the viability of the following idea.

In so many of today's elementary schools, the focus has shifted from bright kids (those with the greatest potential to solve our social problems, cure our diseases, become wise leaders) to low-achieving kids, in part because of No Child Left Behind, which gives schools big carrots and sticks for helping low achievers achieve basic proficiency but no carrots or sticks for helping bright kids to live up to their potential.

As a result, countless bright kids, especially in working-class and lower-middle-class communities, wither in public elementary schools--bored, not even close to living up to their potential.

And if such a kid can't sit still for the six hours a day, five days a week of boredom, he or she is often endlessly put down by the teacher and/or put on a Ritalin leash. This group of kids has an enormous unmet need, a huge gap between how well they could be doing and how well they're actually doing, academically and especially socially and emotionally.

A mentoring relationship is perhaps the most potent way to help people live up to their potential. And that is why I am volunteering to help Brothers/Big Sisters assess the viability of its extending its outreach to specifically include bright kids in working-class and lower-middle class public schools and to Big Brothers/Sisters that would be particularly well-suited to mentoring them, for example, alumni of selective colleges.

So, do you think it would be difficult to recruit "Bigs" (mentors) for neglected bright kids in working-class public schools?

And theoretically, might you consider being a Big Brother to such a kid, for example, speaking with and/or seeing your "Little" periodically, say an hour a week?