On the Word, "Honesty"

A Smiler: A short-short story

How Honest Am I?

Radical Honesty’s Limits

A recent post made the case for radical honesty,  and a follow-up addressed reader yes-buts.  My Medium.com article today discuses, with ample examples, radical honesty’s limits.

The Case for Radical Honesty: Our world is too filled with hype, veneer, and phony niceness

 That's my Psychology Today article today.

Honesty’s Limits: 5 gray-area situations

Many of us cut our honesty teeth on the apocryphal tale of George Washington admitting to chopping down a cherry tree: “I cannot tell a lie.”

Well, truth is, none of us can honestly say that we cannot tell a lie. We can and do lie. The benefit and fun may lie in deciding when to lie.

Consider the 5 gray-area situations:I describe in my Psychology Today article today.

“I’m Having a Hard Time Being Honest:” Three rationales for the more honest life

A few of my clients have admitted that the pressure caused by the COVID economic shutdown has made them less honest at work—They’re cutting corners to help preserve their job or keep their company or non-profit alive.

My Psychology Today article today offers a composite letter that describes such clients. Then I offer a response.

Are You Living a Life More of Integrity Than of Expedience?

My PsychologyToday.com article today argues that expedience too often trumps integrity, a problem I see worsening. It ends with a three-question self-assessment.

Would Society Be Better if Everyone Had to Wear a Truth Meter on Their Forehead?

I like thought experiments. So for today's PsychologyToday.com article, I explored the pros and cons of everyone having to wear a "truth meter" on their forehead.

The Challenge of Being Honest In Looking for a Job

It is very tempting to be dishonest when looking for a job. In my PsychologyToday.com article today, I've tried to be as honest as I can be in discussing the issue.

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

In my PsychologyToday.com article today, I offer a short-short story about a run-of-the-mill dishonest person and what I'd say to him.

It's easy to be liked...but is it worth the price?

In Praise of Those Who Put in an Honest Day's Work

I wrote a thank-you note to Ryan Kane, a magician. I thought I'd share its essence with you. It offers a tip of the cap, not just to magicians, but to anyone who works with integrity. I decided to post it as my PsychologyToday.com article today.

Are You Nice But Not Good?

Ideally, we’re congruent: We’re nice to people and, even when it’s undetectable, we do the ethical thing.

Alas, we’ve all met people who are nice but bad. That is, they’re polite, friendly, smilers, yet when expedient, will screw you.

My PsychologyToday.com article today offers a  self-assessment inventory to help you assess the extent to which you’re nice and good.

 

The Case for Job Seekers Practicing Radical Honesty

There's understandable temptation for job seekers to stretch the truth in their resume and interviews. But in my PsychologyToday.com article, I argue that not only is that unethical, it's likely to backfire. HERE is the link.

Long-Shot Strategies for Landing a Job

For some reason, I was more uninhibited than usual in this radio interview.

It's on long-shot strategies for landing a job. HERE is the link.

Should You Be Living With More Integrity?

Is this too sanctimonious?

 

Toward a More Ethical America

Most people know the right thing to do. The challenge is getting them to do it.

In just one week in my private practice, clients, in the confidentiality of my office, said the following:

• "I'm going to stay on unemployment until the extensions run out. Then I'll look for a job. Meanwhile, I'm working under-the-table."
• "Lawyers often double-bill."
• "I want to milk the education thing as long as I can so I don't have to grow up." (Professional students waste class slots that could have gone to people who would use that slot to be productive, to better society.)
• "I flirt to get what I want and then claim I feel violated when they flirt back." (Beware.)
• A physician admitted to me that some doctors do procedures, including surgeries, that could have more wisely been treated medically. Why? Simply to make more money.

All that on top of the corporate excesses, priests screwing parishioners (including children,) people lying on the resumes and income taxes, using synthetic urine to pass drug tests, hiring people to write their theses, etc., etc., etc.

Of course, getting people to more often do the right thing would bring enormous benefits to society: from more honestly on tax returns to more circumspect decision making to more honorable relationships, business and personal. If we were all more ethical, we'd have to spend less time, money, and resources policing: for example, the mountain of regulations that business must comply with, which nonetheless often don't foil those who wish to be unethical.

The question is, "How do we get more people to choose integrity over expediency?" Nearly every school, including business schools, teach ethics yet too often when it's expedient, people cut corners, sometimes big corners--Enron comes to mind. But lack of integrity is pervasive: from test cheating to resume cheating, from tax cheating to customer cheating--so often do salespeople withhold negative information about a product. And of course, the financial crisis started with people who couldn't afford to buy a home being told they could get a "stated-income" mortgage. So they signed up figuring that if their home declined in value they could simply walk away, leaving the bank to pay for their loss. Then sleazy bankers and insurance companies packaged the mortgages in a way that would hide the bad loans and otherwise unfairly reduce their risk. And the lack of integrity spiraled from there.

There will never be a perfectly integrity-first society but I believe the following will take us closer: We must all come to believe that integrity must trump expediency. Not for fear of punishment because there are too many times that lack of integrity won't get punished. We must believe that integrity trumps expediency because it is cosmically right: that our worth as a human being is centrally dependent on being a person of integrity.

How do we get people to believe that, indeed believe it so strongly that they'll much more often choose integrity over expediency?

To effect such a fundamental change in people's values, I believe requires efforts than begin pre-school and continue well into adulthood:

• Parenting education (as part of Lamaze and other pre-birth parenting education--e.g.,. in the post-birth hospital room), should stress the primacy of teaching your child that ethics must trump expediency. Parents need, through their actions more than their words, to make clear the primacy of integrity. For example, every time a parent takes their 12-year-old to a restaurant where kids under 12 eat free and the parent says, "My child is 12" and pays, the child gets the message that integrity indeed does trump expediency.
• Pre-K-through-graduate school, every year or two, students should create (for example, as a term paper) a model ethics training program for slightly younger students. Such an approach immerses the students in the process, unlike in a lecture should generate minimum defensiveness, and provides an ongoing source of improved ethics courses. There need be only three rules for that course development:

Its goal must be to change the fabric of a student's thinking process so s/he will almost reflexively choose ethics over expediency.

It must be critical-incident based, e.g., for elementary school students: bullying, for high school students: cheating, for business-school students: withholding negative information to sell a product.

It must put students in the shoes of the victim of ethical malfeasance. For example, when, to make more money, a surgeon recommends surgery when drug treatment would do, imagine how the patient feels on hearing he "needs" surgery, how his family feels, how he feels when he's checking into the hospital, wheeled into surgery, and when he suffers post-operatively.

To extend the ethics curriculum beyond the school years, producers of public-service announcements, TV dramas and sitcoms, movies and video games should be encouraged to create story lines that present thorny ethical dilemmas: for example, where expediency would yield great benefit and the ethical violation to derive that benefit is not great.

I would be dishonest to say that I have always chosen integrity over expediency but my batting average is pretty good. And if, from childhood, that concept had been drummed into me as powerfully as the message that that working hard is important, perhaps I would even more often make the cosmically ethical choice.

Whom Should You Trust?

When should you trust someone? Is the answer more nuanced than "Trust Allah but tie your camel tight?"

In determining whom to trust and in what circumstances, you might want to keep tabs on at least the key people in your life:

• How often does that person say something not in his self-interest, even though he wouldn't be caught? For example, "Mary, this wasn't your fault. The data I gave you was incorrect." The greater the price the person pays for his inexpedient honesty, the more you can trust him the next time.
  

• How accurate have his promises been? For example, "I'll call you tomorrow," "I'll have it done by Monday," or "I'll get you a raise soon." It doesn't really matter if the person miscalculated or is lying. What counts as you decide whether to trust her next promise is: How well has she kept previous promises? How accurate have her predictions been--whether on the company's future, the quality of a product, whether she really will stay with you even if you lost your job, etc?
  

Alas, as mutual fund prospectuses always tell us, past results don't perfectly predict future performance but we can up our odds by becoming a human lie detector. Law enforcement interrogators have learned techniques to assess the veracity of a person's statements:

• Watch the eyes and forehead. Most good liars and exaggerators have long learned to control the obvious signs of lying: pursed lips, crossed arms, etc. It's harder to control the eyes and forehead. So watch a person's eyes when he's saying something that's unquestionably factual. Then, when he's saying the in-question statement, do his eyes train somewhere else? Also look for a discrepancy between the mouth and the eyes, for example, smiling but with a tense-looking forehead and eyes.

• Look for changes in a person's behavior. Beware if, when making a potentially dishonest or incorrect statement, a person's voice or body language changes. Examples: becoming more monotonic and slow-paced, losing eye contact, turning away or crossing their legs, ceasing use of hands while talking, breathing more quickly and shallowly, stiffening, starting a nervous mannerism such as foot wiggling or face touching. If you suspect someone's lying, change the conversation to something clearly factual and see if she reverts to her previous interaction style and seems glad to change the topic.

• Quick stop-start emotions. Real emotions often build and fade slowly. Phony ones often get turned on and off quickly.

• Re-ask. Later in the conversation, ask the same question. Does the person give the same answer or are some details changed?

Of course, none of this is foolproof. For example, some people don't show signs of lying because they're calm by nature, have an autistic-spectrum disorder, and/or are sociopathic. Sometimes, a person's exhibiting signs of lying merely reflect nervousness in talking about a difficult topic.

Just because you catch someone lying doesn't mean you should confront him. For example, I tend to remain silent when a face-saving lie is unlikely to cost me much now and is unlikely to encourage bigger, more costly lies in the future.

Of course, we live in a world filled with lies and inaccuracies but excessive vigilance can cost us too much: It can make us exude suspiciousness and cynicism. It may even preclude us from close relationships. Perhaps moderate trustworthiness is all we can reasonably expect.

Maybe the best balance can be struck by my father's advice: respect but suspect. I'd add, "and balance justice with mercy."

Advice to an Honest Man Whose Life is a Mess

Someone emailed me today saying his life is a mess, but rather than blaming it on others, he was wonderfully honest in acknowledging his weaknesses.

I reproduce his letter here and my response to him. I hope that you'll find both to be interesting.

Hi Marty:

I am a 40 year old guy. I have a high school education. I did not do well in high school. I work at a low paying job. I do not have good people skills. I don't have many friends and people don't seem to reach out to get to know me. I have not had a girlfriend in years. I have always had trouble dating. I am probably of average intelligence. I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with a learning disability. I am probably above average in looks. I have never been promoted in a job. I have been fired a few times. I have to take anti-depressant medications..Wellbutrin. People tell me that I talk to much at times..at work.. Sometimes I steal small items at work. Candy Bars. I am suspicious that my boss may know, but chooses not to say anything. I don't steal anything over 4-5 dollars at most. There is a good community college near where I live. What should I do to pull my live together? What books can I read to improve myself? I tend to act out at times and try to influence people..maybe overstepping my boundaries. I grew up with a mentally ill mother. I have always had trouble dating. I tend to have a high voice and even though I am not gay some women tell me I sound ike a woman. People tell me that I talk to fast.

That is all.

Thanks.

Scott

Dear Scott,

How fantastically introspective you are!!!!!! Great. That's the most important step to improvement. I'd recommend that you:

1. You make friends mainly by putting yourself in places where you're likely to meet good friends (perhaps at a college, church, or where you volunteer) by asking people about themselves, listening carefully, sharing some things about yourself, and, in general, being kind.

2. Constantly remind yourself to speak in the lowest part of your vocal range and slowly: Imagine that you were playing the part of a highly respected CEO, or Barack Obama.

3. Never talk for more than 30 to 60 seconds without shutting up or asking a question. In any conversation, be sure to talk only 30 to 50% of the time--the other person will fill in. Let there be silence in the conversation rather than you jabbering on.

4. Never steal again, literally or figuratively. Make absolute integrity your mantra. You cheapen yourself with every candy bar. In the end, you'll feel better about yourself AND it may well help your career and personal life.

5. Your desire to influence people comes from one or two instincts: the desire to prove your worthiness in the world and to help others. Both are worthy impulses. But especially if you're a person of just average intelligence and one who talks too fast (and thus probably comes to judgments too quickly,) your advice will often be wrong and/or unwanted. Most people--unless exceptionally secure--will not tolerate advice unless it is asked for.

6. Remembering the advice in #1 through 4, build a network of influential people by volunteering for organizations in which the other volunteers are well-connected people, whom if they like you, can hire you or recommend you be hired for a better position than you currently hold.

7. With regard to meeting a woman, since you do better in writing than verbally, I suggest you use online dating services such as match.com. Write your profile candidly and humanly. Post one or two current pictures of you that ARE representative of what you really look like--remember the honesty rule? When you respond to women's emails, do so with humanity and curiosity.

8. Read many articles on my website. They're all free and offer important guidance on career, personal growth, and living the well-led life.

How's that sound?

Marty Nemko